UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Lumberjacks & Whalers: Battle for 3rd Place

With only 4 weeks to play this season and the Mustangs officially eliminated from the playoffs, it comes down to the Whalers(6-5-0) and Lumberjacks(4-6-1) for 3rd place.  Neither team wants to end the season in 4th place and have to play #1 Tuck in the first round.  

The Whalers lead the season series 2-1, taking the last two games 10-0 and 4-3(SO) after the Lumberjacks throttled the Whalers 6-0 in the season opener.  The Jacks are coming off of one of the worst performances in franchise history, an epic 12-1 schallacking by the Gamblers where they were completely out-classed from the initial puck drop.

The Whalers have been inconsistent in the new year, losing a pair of games to the Gamblers 3-1, and Tuck 9-3, before a late come-from-behind win over the Mustangs last week.  The Whaler's roster was hit pretty hard with some illness over the last month but should have everyone back this week.  They're led by two rookies, Dan "Darth" VeNard(15pts) & Ean "Biggie" Small(14pts) who both sit in the top 10 in scoring.  Goaltending has been solid for the Whalers behind Tucker "Big Sexy" Garritty-Hanchett.  TGH leads the league in total saves (338) and third in Save Percentage(.879) and GAA(3.73).  

The Lumberjack's are led offensively by Jordy "McNasty" McGee(19pts) and Neil "The Real Deal" MacKenzie(13pts).  Defensively they're a bit of a wild card and you can see the result in their goaltender, Ryan "The Libido" Libbey's numbers.  Last in GAA(5.36) and Save Percentage(.800).

The early game means that the Lumberjacks should have a full roster and with a healthy roster for the Whalers, this should be a great game.  Vegas thinks it's close with a goal win for the Whalers.  

Whalers Strong 3rd Downs Lumberjacks

This game featured some funny scoreboard names left behind from a previous game: TUCKFINDO vs. SCORGASMS. I wonder which team I would prefer to play for if I was still able… Regardless of the scoreboard comedy, this match-up featured 4 fans in the stands, and two with signs cheering for Tucker in the Whalers’ net: a UVHL first! “Stop The Puck Tuck” was one of the two. I thought it was some Tuck fans showing up early getting the game time mixed up. Seeing as there is nowhere the fuck to go in the Upper Valley ever, I thought they were just hanging around until the Tuck game started with absolutely nowhere to kill time. In fact, one of the fans was Tucker’s sister there to cheer him on. I’m assuming the friend she had with her was a hockey concubine of some sort, or just a really good friend… you decide and speculate on your own on that one.

In the 1st, the Whalers scored on their 2nd SOG with DeNerrrd putting it past subbing netminder Colin Farr from Big Ean “It’s Not” Small. At the 12:45 mark there were 6 fans in the stands! A new UVHL record for the ’23-24 season! Shots were 5-3 W’s at the 10:05 mark, and a few late comers arrived to join their teams on a perfectly clear evening. WTF, fellas? You’d sit a period if I was the coach, eh. That method worked pretty well for the Hanover Midgets back in 2000, eh. Nate Robinson made it 2-0 on an absolute SNIPE into the top corner on Farr’s blocker side at 9:19 on a breakaway after sneaking the puck past the lone Lumberjacks’ defenseman at their blueline to go in alone. Who knew Robinson was capable of such a great shot, let alone capable of raising the puck at all? The Whalers generated several shots in a row, and the 3rd or 4th shot found its way into the net past a sprawling Farr at 7:46 to shock the ‘Jacks with a 3-0 deficit on Small’s goal from Brandon “Go Ahead and Slash My Forearms, Asshole” Chiasson and newcomer Ben “I’m Waaaay Better Than My Dad Ever Was” Rouillard. Dillon Pierce hit the post past Tucker’s L side at 6:20. A ‘Jacks defenseman made a beautiful play on DeNard using his body to block him cleanly and prevent DeNard from advancing in the high slot with the puck. There were two fast goals, the first putting the Whalers up 4-0 at 5:19 by James “Sweet Spice” McCormick from Teddy “The Mothman” Pupilla that was answered at 5:05 by the Lumberjacks’ Andrew “Pinball” Kimball“ from “The General” Tim Patten making the score 4-1 Whalers. Kimball put his upstairs in the top corner to solve Tucker, and the Whalers scored on a second attempt after Farr made the initial save. Umm… I’m sensing a theme here, Lumberjacks… How about some net front presence, maybe? Dan “Stella Artois” Fenton showed up late for the Whale, and entered the rink with his jersey on backwards wearing #W practically during a play as the puck was just dropped, and the Lumberjacks cleverly quipped that it was a Too Many Men on the ice penalty! Jordan McGee went wide on Christian Scott for a good chance but hit the outside of the post past Tucker in the Whalers’ net. Chiasson hit the crossbar over Farr at 1:09. Small and DeNard were working well together on a line for the Whale. In the final minute of the period Farr outwaited DeNard on a breakaway giving him no openings, and a 3-on-1 by the ‘Jacks created a good scoring chance but no goal. Shots finished a very even 16-15 for the W’s.

In the 2nd, Scott unleashed a howitzer from the point right into Farr. I noticed Chuck Gaede was playing forward tonight on the wing for the Whalers showing his “hands of a defenseman” skills up front. This game had good hustle and sportsmanship throughout the entire game. The Whalers made some really bad passes when Aidan “WTF Is A?” Boonyaharn missed his defenseman by more than 6 feet, and then Chiasson sent the puck up the boards to absolutely no one… and the Whalers were very lucky that neither gaffe ended up in a scoring chance for the Lumberjacks. The General made it a 2-goal deficit at 11:14 from Evan Seely. Shots were 20-17 for the L’s at 10:49 and this game was becoming competitive. Small made two great dekes coming off the side boards in the ‘Jacks end and cut to the slot only to put the puck over the net. One job… Farr made a nice save on the tip in front on the next play. Farr made a great save on a McCormick dangle after McCormick made an exceptional move in the slot to bypass the ‘Jacks D after two great passes by the Whale got him the puck. Seely made it 4-3 at 4:30 going 5-holio on Tucker on a partial breakaway assisted by Kimball. We have ourselves a game, gentlemen! Kimball and Patten had a 2-on-1 that was thwarted by a backchecking Nate “Sniper” Robinson. The puck was very bouncy by this point in the game, and there was a lot of snow accumulating on the ice. The quality of the ice looked very poor tonight, probably affected by the increased humidity all day which is unfortunate. Two clearing attempts were stopped by the Lumberjacks at the Whalers’ blueline as they tried to get the puck out of their own zone. Tucker anticipated a tip to the R side of the net and turned it away. Some really good defense was played by the ‘Jacks in the last minute or so of the period and shots finished 26-26.

In the 3rd, Farr sent a screamer of a clearing shot coming out of his net up the boards that hit Small up high. How do you like it, Small, huh? Huh? This game was clipping along at a good pace with puck battles, advances and defense, but with very few shots on net early on in the period. Gaede had a baaad missed net at 12:05 further demonstrating how defensemen and forwards should never switch positions. Now don’t be hard on him, okay? This was definitely NOT a “one job” scenario. It seems that the Whalers other defensemen were being selfish and only wanted two pairs instead of 5 D forcing Gaede to work into the forward rotation. I bet that selfish ice hog Kelly “Fuckin’” Park was behind all of this. You selfish bastard, Park! Well, at least Park made good on his strategy for more ice time because he scored at 10:28 from Aidan “WTF Is a?” Boohyaharn for an insurance goal to put the Whalers up 5-3. The play saw Park feed AB who dished it back to Park who found the top corner over Farr. This previously close game was put out of reach at 9:58 when the talented Dan “DeNerrrd” DeNard went 5-holio on Farr on an unassisted effort. Fenton had a nice advance with the puck and shot on net at 7:20. I’m not sure if it was the ice, or if everyone just started sucking all at once, but there were a LOT of sloppy passes by both teams into skates, too far ahead and too far behind during this part of the period. Suddenly, the cycle was broken with a great pass up the ice to Small for a chance and Farr had to make a great save to keep the puck out of the net. Chiasson scored with his wrists exposed for all to see and admire at 2:45 from Small and DeNerrrd, who were having a hell of a game together on the same line. Marc “Love Handles” Gattie stopped a 3-on-2 by the Whalers in the last minute and a half with his excellent defensive skills. The score ended 7-3 Whalers and shots close at 37-35 W’s with NO PENALTIES the entire game. In fact, this was the 3rd UVHL game in a row with no penalties. Nice sportsmanship, guys!

MVP: DeNerrrd stood out not only with his play in all 3 zones, but led the team with 2G, 1A. Linemate Small got 1G, 2A for three points of his own. I might have listed him first, but that horrible shot over the net after those two sweet dekes demoted him immediately. One job… Tucker stopped 34 of 37 shots and gets an honorable mention for the Whalers, so take your pick between him and Small for the second spot. Honorable mentions to Kimball, Seely and Patten on the ‘Jacks with 1G, 1A each combining for all 3 goals in a losing effort.

LVP?:  Showing up late with your jersey on backwards, Fenton? C’mon, man… Not necessarily an LVP, but certainly not without mention! Definitely a comedic moment there, #W. There may be yet another nickname change after that one… and maybe for that selfish bastard and ice hog Kelly Park, too!

POST-GAME:
Clearly, our two most loyal and consistent fans, Autumn and Hailey, are being highlighted in this post-game report sponsored by Applebee’s. These two lovely girlfriends of Chiasson and Robinson respectively are there almost every game now watching some good and some bad hockey every week. They show up post-game with their men and the rest of the team, and add to the atmosphere and depth of the league. It’s great to see you both there at the games and after the games, ladies, so thank you for helping make it special. When I arrived, there were still 7 Whalers/Whalers fans and friends still at the bar, two of whom were just friends. Nice! Fenton and Pupilla had already left but made their regular appearances and post-game traditions because it smelled REALLY good in there… and it wasn’t the food. This is when I learned about the sign bearers and who they were. I had talked to them after the game and thanked them for being there making note of their presence and promising to put them in the game write-up, but I didn’t have time to delve further into who they were or why they were there. This is when I found out that one of the sign bearers was Tucker’s sister. Nice psychological play there, Tucker, trying to get into the heads of your opponents planting attractive female fans in the stands with signs. Hmmm… every advantage you can get, huh? I see how you work, you sly dog… Of course, there were no Lumberjacks at the bar. Apparently, they paid the rink guys extra to stay in the locker room for an additional half hour to do “whatever they do” in there post-game. Nice work, Whalers! We’ll see ya there again next week as the tradition continues.

Respectfully submitted,
McDefense, aka HKYDOC