UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Tuck is Back...Are They Better Than Before?

The Tuck Business School Fighting Turduckens are back after a 6 week break and looking to pick up where they left off....absolutely embarrassing the rest of the UVHL.  Starting off with three wins to open the season and potting an un-Godly 25 goals, they had their only blemish with a 6-5 shootout loss to the Mustangs.  Still technically undefeated, Tuck looks to build on their early season momentum against a Whaler's team that has turned things around since starting the season 0-2-0.  

The Whalers opened the season with ugly losses to the Lumberjacks(6-0) and Tuck(8-3), but righted that tilting ship with 3 straight wins including a 10-0 pounding of the Lumberjacks on November 15th.  In their last 4 games, they're 2-2-0 with both losses coming in tight games against the highly talented Gambler's who, who have the best goaltender in the upper valley between their pipes.  

Tuck has the best line in the UVHL again this season.  Luke "The Duke" Stickel(24pts in 5gp) has been on fire.  He's flanked by Jon "The Don" Carkeek(20pts in 5gp) and Aidan "Rocky" Balboni(14pts in 4gp).  That trio has dominated in every area of the ice and if the Whaler's are looking for a chance to win this one, they will need to play exceptional team hockey when 91-12-22 are on the ice.

The Whaler's turnaround after a horrible 2-11-1 season last year with a -40 goal differential is due to the acquisition of Dan "Darth" VeNard(11pts in 8gp) and Ean "Big E" Smalls(12pts in 8gp) in the off-season.  Small & VeNard have added much needed puck possession, poise and skill to a Whaler's team that needed all three.  Their youngsters, recent Hartford graduates Bentley "Thing 1" Boonyaharn(3pts), Aidan "Thing 2" Boonyaharn(5pts) and Colston Allen(4pts) are much better defensively after a rough rookie year and starting to contribute in all 3 zones.

Goaltending has been a highlight for the Whalers over the last few weeks with Tucker "Big Sexy" Garrity-Hanchett.  TGH has posted a 2.25 gaa in his last 4 games with multiple Player of the Week nominations.  Tuck has been using a goaltending tandem this season, trying to replicate the Bruin's one-two punch of Ullmark & Swayman.  Their goalies Matt Betten(2-1-0 & 3.00 gaa) and Marshall Jenkins(2-0-0 & 4.00 gaa) have been solid.

The major question is, did the Tuckies eat and drink their way through winter break or will they show up ready to play?

This is still Tuck's game to lose, and Vegas thinks Tuck's youth and energy power them past the Whalers: 5-3.

Tuck Does Tuck Things to a Hapless Whaler's Squad.

This late match-up had 3 fans in the stands, and from what I could tell 2 were the die-hard Whalers fans and one was there to cheer on the Tuckies in their return to the UVie after a 6-week salacious break. There was no rust in their game even with just 8 skaters, and they were looking wicked shaaap in some fresh new jerseys to boot. Carkeek hit the post at 10:49 just to the L of Tucker’s glove for the first good scoring chance. Fenton was looking much better in a proper #17 Whalers jersey compared to that old ragged white-numbered 3 he had on previously. It usually takes half a fuckin’ season to get the jersey shit sorted out. That hasn’t really changed in 18 years after we provided the jerseys for the first two seasons so everyone didn’t look like a bunch of assholes out there with mismatching jerseys, yellow and gray and the like. Almost halfway into the period around 8:08 there were more Tuckies on the bench. The Whalers hit the post behind Betten at 8:02 and then Dan “DeNerd” VeNard made sure he got on the scoresheet with a holding call at 7:20, the only penalty of the game. Tuck had a “Man down!” at 6:58 on the PP when the D fell at the offensive blueline with the puck and the Whalers stole it to advance down the ice. However, remarkably, there was no shot generated on the play. Goff hooked DeNard on a nice rush but there was no call on the foul, and Betten made a nice poke check to negate the scoring chance. Goff’s stick was right across DeNard’s midsection and he just kept on truckin’. Karma’s a bitch, Goff, and you owe it a call when you can afford it the least. Noticeably absent in the Tuck lineup were Stickel and O’Neill. Rumor has it they got lost in some pussy in Patagonia… possibly never to return… Did you Stickel them with the pointy end, Luke? Did you make sure their memories of you were going to be a Dreamus, Seamus? Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong made a nice rush through two zones for a shot on goal saved by Tucker’s glove at 3:18. This game was still scoreless late into the period with the first marker not coming until 2:27 when Jonathan “I Don’t Need No Fuckin’ Shoulder Pads” Carkeek fed Aidan “Rocky” Balboni for a top shelf goal over Tucker “My Last Name Is Too Long to Type Ever” ‘s glove. Unfortunately, I didn’t see Tuck’s second goal just a minute and a half later at 0:57 when Matthew “Pinot Grigio” Ouelette scored from Karch “Sexy Pretzel” Bachman and Nick “The Trick” Sullivan. I should note that this goal was the first goal the entire night that a second assist was given out. But don’t worry, all you stat whores! Kelly Park will sit at his computer watching Live Barn and Porn Hub simultaneously and will dole out all appropriate assists (especially his own) between scenes of anal and pretty feet. Wait… that’s MY routine for doing the game write-ups. One can only speculate what Park is watching while typing with one hand, that dirty bastard. Shots finished 19-10 for Tuck at the end of the 1st.

In the 2nd, Tucker made a nice save challenging the shooter with his big body coming out of his crease at about 14:05. There was a good pace to this game, and a 4th fan showed up!  Aidan “WTF is a” Boonyaharn made a GREAT move and deke for the Whalers’ first goal at 12:08 blocker side from DeNerrrd to make it 2-1!  Bachman, who actually got his “Pretzel” nickname from his ability to turn himself into a sexual pretzel from all of his shoulder injuries becoming able to dislocate them at will and do some nasty tantric yoga shit after a visit to India on a semester abroad while playing for Miami of Ohio back in the day, made a nice play catching a difficult pass while skating and going in for a heavy shot, but he put it over the net. One job, Pretzel…The posts remained Tucker’s friends after the Tuckies hit another one at 10:09. Carkeek was demonstrating some smooth moves all game and had a nice scoring chance cutting across the net. Bachman came in and unleashed a HEAVY shot that Tucker stopped up high. Goff made a sweet pass to Balboni for his second goal of the game at 6:57 as he buried it into the bottom corner of the net. Unfortunately, Bachman left the game suddenly holding his L arm carrying his sticks and water bottle indicating that he was done for the game. We all hope he’s gonna be okay. I didn’t see any injury or collision so I’m not sure what happened. Soon after, Betten made a beautiful glove save! Shimomura unleashed a NOICE! Samurai slapshot of his own from the point. Jason “Salt ‘n Pepper” Yehle calmly came back into his own end in pursuit of a Tuckie barreling in on a partial breakaway cornering the attacker to the side boards just like you’re fekkin’ supposed to do it, eh! (strong northern Ontario accent… up where there’s lots of pubic hair and the word ‘beaver’ originated from… don’t ask me how I know… well, I might even tell you if you ask me at Applebee’s post-game and bribe me with some blue cheese…)  The super line of Balboni-Carkeek-Torney was on fucking fire, and combined for two goals in a row at 5:14 and 3:05 to make it 5-1 and the game out of reach. Dan “Stella Artois” Fenton came in alone on the R side of Betten for a chance and… missed the net on the far side. ONE JOB. Carkeek made another fantastic pass that was almost tipped in by Balboni, I think. The Whalers pressed a bit, and Betten had to make 2 good saves late in the period which finished with Tuck ahead on shots 34-15.

In the 3rd, Tuck’s Ouelette scored early at 14:30 from Yablong. The it was the Whalers’ turn at 13:42 as DeNerrrd potted one past Betten from Aidan Boonyaharn and brother Bentley Boonyaharn. WTF, guys? Like one Boonyaharn isn’t enough, eh? We’re confused enough already at the eternal mystery of what one Boonyaharn really is… I can’t even wrap my head around TWO motherfucking Boonyaharns is. Are you distantly related to Sexy Pretzel, perhaps? Boohyaharn sounds kinda kinky… “Yeah, guys, I did the ‘ol Boonhayarn on this chick this past weekend, eh” it is rumored to have been heard out of the Whalers locker room while passing by. As long as she gave consent, right guys? RIIIIGHT? Well, this game was turning into a scorefest because Tuck scored again for the third goal in a minute at 13:29 on Carkeek’s goal from Balboni. The score was now 7-2 Tuck with a whole lot of the 3rd period to be played.  Carkeek made a nice charge to the net and showed some sweet hands to poke it through Tucker at 9:40 from none other than budding UVHL superstar Aidan “Rocky” Balboni. Tuck had 40 SOG at the 9:00 mark. Fenton got another chance to go in on a 1-on-2 and made good on it this time putting a twisted wrister past Betten at 6:54 from linemate and post-game clam bake in Applebee’s parking lot buddy Teddy “The Mothman” Pupilla. Oh, how I love the smell of marijuana… It’s a thing now, ya know? VERY fashionable and the ladies love it, especially the ones that don’t believe in shaving their armpits. These guys know this first hand, trust me, and they ain’t from northern Ontario this time either. It’s a different kind of beaver altogether. Elite defensive defenseman Jason “Salt ‘n Pepper” Yehle made a nice play on Balboni to keep him wide and prevent him from padding his stats. However, Balboni was not to be denied and scored a SIIIICK goal at none other than 4:20 in honor of Fenton and Pupilla from Ryan “Pretty Feet” Cassidy. The Whalers Duo were so impressed they pulled out a joint right there on the bench in salute to Balboni’s exceptional goal and game. That was the end of the scoring for the night. Before time ran out Betten made a nice play on Fenton coming out of the net to challenge the oft dangerous and always “high flying” forward. The score ended 9-3 Tuck and shots finished 44-24 in favor of the Tuckies.

ANALYSIS:  Tuck was good and deserved the win. The Whalers weren’t horrible, and Tucker understandably left the rink angry and frustrated. In my opinion and observation, the Whalers struggled because of who wasn’t there: Kelly “Fuckin’” Park and Big Ean “It Ain’t” Small. Things were just lacking from the Whalers offensive and defensive game to counterbalance Tuck’s game. Without Small there was puck possession time and scoring chances absent, and without Park’s puck advancement, beating a few guys coming out of their own end, and great first passes were also missing from the Whalers’ game. I’m not saying the Whalers would have won tonight, but the game would have absolutely been a lot closer, perhaps a 2-goal game. Tuck’s chances would have been reduced by Park’s exceptional hockey IQ, and Yehle wouldn’t have been the only elite defender. Small’s speed would have backchecked and negated some Tuck advances and scoring chances as well, and Tucker probably would have only faced 35 shots instead of a motherload of 44.

MVP:  Can there be anyone else other than the suddenly clean shaven Balboni, with 5 goals and 2 assists, who I didn’t initially recognize in the warm-up? That was one of the best all-time UVHL games as far as stats in UVHL history as far as I know. And get this:  Balboni played high school hockey in Massachusetts. BOOM! Take THAT you D1 and D3 motherfuckers! Carkeek played great all game, was visibly the best player on the ice, and had 2G, 3A and also gets a nod. Tucker made 35 saves in the loss and gets a we3ll deserved honorable mention.

LVP:  Again, nobody sucked or lost the game for their team, and both squads made appearances post-game so it’s kudos to all of you. More on the post-game below.

POST-GAME:
Fenton and Pupilla are the most regular players to appear post-game at Applebee’s. They deserve a LOT of credit… but so does marijuana cuz you should see these boys eat after the game. Tuck showed up to “Club ‘Bees” as they affectionately call it in numbers again tonight. Sullivan sat there with a huge pitcher of ice water and a straw abstaining from any post-game beers stating that he hit it hard the past few days and needed some recovery time. I just thought he was taking care of his finely tuned specimen of a hockey body making sure he was adequately hydrated. I guess he was, just for a completely different reason altogether. First time I’ve ever seen that at a bar… You’re a trend setter, Sully. Don’t be surprised if your nickname is “Ice Water” next week, eh. Fenton was sitting at the end of the table with two Stella Artois’ in front of him necessitating the change in nickname. It IS a nice smooth lager, Dan, I must agree, but did the clam bake have anything to do with your sudden change in beers this week, or did you feel it would go nicer with boneless wings this time bringing out that Frank’s Red Hot flavor ever so beautifully? Aidan “Rocky” Balboni made his first appearance, as did Ryan “Pretty Feet” Cassidy, Karch “Sexy Pretzel” Bachman and Kyle Saidnawey, so it was nice to get a chance to get to know them all a little bit. Balboni and Cassidy both played high school hockey in the hockey hotbed of Massachusetts. Saidnawey is a Tuck significant other who also played high school hockey in Mass. We have had a long tradition of Tuck spouses and dirty, dirty FWB’s playing on the Tuck team such as Kyle, or those with some sort of Dartmouth affiliation to keep it in-house. Can you guess what your nickname is gonna be next week, Kyle? I asked about what some of the guys did on their break and didn’t realize that they didn’t play last week. I was informed that this week was their first week back to real classes. Even so, Stickel and O’Neill were MIA on some sort of ski trip or still lost deeeep somewhere in Patagonia pussaaay… I was told that they got back safely, and that Stickel got engaged over the break. Congrats Luke, and the future Mrs. Stickel! That’s great news and I still believe in love… (large tear rolling down my face at the moment…). I hope the future Mrs. Stickel knows to take these write-ups with several huuuuge grains of salt, and that I meant no disrespect to her about the purported “adventures” in Patagonia, eh… well, at least about Luke, not O’Neill. Interpol has an alert out in South America for two Americans, one of which left several dozen women heartbroken, crying and bowlegged… Apparently, Cassidy spent some time in Japan over the break. How fucking cool!  Also apparently, several teammates received photos of pretty Japanese feet while Cassidy was over there as well… Ryan… you had me at “hello”… You’re a man after my own heart, you sexual soul brother, you! Goff and Carkeek spent twice a week on the ice skating and passing with the Tuck B, C and Tripod teams. They weren’t allowed to score, which is classy and appropriate. However, I totally noticed how they both were improved this week with their puck possession and passing before I knew any of this post-game. Carkeek especially had great vision and passing all night. I leaned over to him halfway through the evening and said “Hey, you were really good tonight”, which he appreciated and then relayed the story with Goff chipping in as well stating that they spent the break skating, passing and setting up the other Tuck team players and got at least 1000 assists each. Nice work, boys! Bachman was sitting at my end of the table and I got to catch up with him as well. He has had a long history of shoulder dislocations and surgeries and seemed uncomfortable but at peace with his L shoulder aggravation. He was clear that he’s been through it before, knows what to do, and that it was totally worth it for all the years he played at Miami of Ohio. He wouldn’t trade it for the world. Now THAT’S hockey passion, boys! Years of chronic pain and suffering borne with a smile for a past shot at hockey glory. You’re one of my heroes, Sexy Pretzel. It was so good to see laughs, stories and interactions between the Tuckies and Teddy and Dan from the Whalers. Time as friends with our league-mates has always been a part of the UVHL’s tradition and purpose. Yeah, we compete against each other every week, there are always rivalries and hot heads sometimes, but it’s not just us against you, or you against me on the ice or post-game. We’re all hockey players that love the game and still want to be competitive cuz we’re not ready for the B-league or just pick-up hockey yet. That’s why JT, Kelly and I started this league, so it warms my heart to see great traditions continue. At the end of the night the Tuckies did their thing with one guy covering the team bill and the rest reimbursing via Venmo. After they left, Teddy, Dan and I realized that the Tuckies, the class act that they are, actually picked up our tab when Matt “Pinot Grigio” Ouelette dropped his CC down for Lexi to cash out. THANK YOU, GUYS. You really didn’t have to do that and the three of us were really touched that you did so. No matter what people say about you guys, you’re really fuckin’ cool. Teddy, Dan and I made sure to tip out Lexi afterwards to show our appreciation for her and to pay it forward a little bit. Thanks to Lexi for being a good hostess as always, and to the staff and cooks behind the scenes that help make our hockey nights so much fun and allow Pupilla and Fenton to satisfy the munchies.

P.S. Apologies for any delay this week for the write-ups. Super Wild Card Weekend definitely had something to do with it, and I’m not gonna promise it won’t happen again next weekend.

Respectfully submitted,

McDefense, aka HKYDOC