UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Mustangs Look To End 2023 on a High Note

The Dismal season for the Mustangs continued last week with the 'Stangs on the bad side of a 9-0 game.  Unfortunately they were up against the Gambler's and the remarkable Evan "Showtime" Cline who stopped at least 10 grade-A scoring opportunites by the Mustangs.

Their inaugural season has been a disaster, and some are griping about the lack of a UVHL expansion draft as the source.  Whether or not you believe that, the truth of the matter is that their defensive zone is an absolute disaster and even Cline couldn't keep them in a game.

The Mustangs have the parts, they just need some leadership to get everyone on the same page or their season is going to end too early.  They need their big guns to stop making excuses and to show some F'ing commitment.  

They take on a surging Whaler's team who were embarrassed in the first two games of the season, and have since cleaned up their defensive zone, going 4-1 in their last 5.  The Whaler's have been anchored by their netminder, Tucker "Big Sexy" Garrity-Hanchett, who actually did double duty...filling in for the Mustangs last week.  Big Sexy had his worst game of the year with the Mustangs in front of him, giving up 9 goals to the Gamblers.  He then kept his gear on and put up a Player of the Week performance in a 4-3 shootout Win over the Lumberjacks.  One goalie, two teams, two opposite results.

The Whalers most pivotal player isn Nate "Super Great" Robinson, who's good looks and charm has been the key ingredient to their good fortunes.  

The Mustangs wiill be better tonight, but that won't be enough against the Whaler's Ean "Big E" Small, Dan "Darth" VeNard & Teddy "Flyin' High" Pupilla.  Whalers win this one 5-3.

Whalers Ride Small & Garrity-Hanchett to 4-2 Win over Mustangs

We had 6 fans, a new record, and the music was working tonight! There was a good pace to start this game. A few new faces graced us with their presence on the Mustangs tonight: Casey Graham, Will McGee, and Jack Smith, who was an impostor wearing Chris Warrington’s #43. Also, in the lineup and already on the pre-typed game sheet was #25 Craig Switzer. I don’t recall if I’d seen Switzer on the ice so far this year, but I am still learning who everybody is, and the first two weeks were a blur as I did miss one week while on the sexy time cruise.

The first SOG was at 12:31 as Aidan “WTF Is A” Boonyaharn beat Casey “I’m Waaay Better Than My Dad Ever Was” Graham to the outside to go in 1-on-1 for a nice chance and good glove save by Colin Farr. St. Germain made a nice deke on Whalers’ defender Chiasson to get into the O-zone, but the pass across didn’t find another Mustang. I’m not entirely sure if St. Germain knows about the “Oh Zone” because he and his entire team change into their jammies in the locker room and go straight to bed right after the game and never come out afterwards…. I know I said last week that I wasn’t going to make fun of teams and players that didn’t go out after the game, but I lied, so fuck you. Although… there were funny sounds coming out of the ‘Stangs locker room when I went to take a piss between games… If only the walls had eyes at the WABA… Anyway, shots were 3-3 at the 10:02 mark. Chiasson had a good shot from the point but it was deflected away to Farr’s R side. Jack Smith made a bad long pass missing his open center in the middle of the neutral zone putting it all the way to the far boards and all the way down for an icing. He was already thinking about the post-game “festivities”. “Big” Ean Small was fed by the “The Mothman” Teddy Pupilla for the game’s first goal at 4:45 to put the Whalers up 1-0. Farr made the first save on the play but the second attempt found its way in. That happens sometimes, eh. Oh, how hockey echoes life… I remember this one time at the Drive-In back in 1989… but anyway… Matti “Local Legend” Hartmann showed some physical play along the boards against James “Sweet Spice” McCormick using body contact but without checking her opponent in a puck battle with absolute fucking textbook women’s hockey execution on the play. You guys should play like women more often, you pussies! Dan “De Nerd” DeNard made it 2-0 Whalers at 2:25 from “The Fabulous and Fantastic” Dan Fenton. Small beat Graham to the outside for a good shot and then Farr made another save to stop the play. Hmmm… Casey, maybe you are EXACTLY like your Dad… Hartmann made a great, quick play on a pass up to Matt “I’m Not A Douche” Derouchie from inside her blue lie avoiding a hit and feeding Derouchie up near the far blue line. She’s got instincts, Fellas! Watch her game and learn. In the final seconds of the period Switzer headed to the bench with only SIX seconds left on the clock and the play in the other end. As he was swinging his leg over the beards there was 1.6 seconds left on the clock. Really? Are you fucking kidding me, Switzer? What was that horrible line change all about? Were you that exhausted you couldn’t make it just 6 more seconds? I’da benched you after that, eh.  Shots were 12-10 in favor of the Whalers at the end of the first.
In the second, the Mustangs hit the post to Tucker’s L at 14:40 to start strong. I noticed that Chiasson keeps his forearms exposed between the end of his gloves and his jersey pulled up to his elbow pads. Umm… why? Are you hot in there? Is that so they know exactly where to slash you? Or are you so tough that you’re just DARING them to try? Whatever the reason, it’s weird. But to each: his or her own, right? Our equipment is an extension of ourselves and has to feel right. I get it. That’s why I used a small stick for a defenseman when I played. For a DEFENSEMAN. Not for a forward. For a DEFENSEMAN, riiiight? RIIIIGHT? The Mustangs solved Tucker 5-holio at 11:28 on Jack Smith’s goal from Matti “Local Legend” Hartmann to make it 2-1. Shots were 18-15 for the ‘Stangs at 11:02 and they were generating far more chances this period than the Whalers. Farr made a great blocker save on Bentley “WTF Is A” Boonyaharn breakaway. James Baker went to the Mustangs box at 10:17 for tripping. On the PP the Whalers were only on the perimeter until the first shot got through just over a minute into the man advantage at 9:14 for a goal by Brandon “Mr. Forearms” Chiasson from “Big” Ean Small and it was 3-1 Whalers. The Mustangs made it a 1-goal game again after a turnover by Whalers’ defenseman Chuck Gaede who had a chance to clear the puck but lost it on the Mustangs forecheck. The ‘Stangs retrieved the puck and brought it to the front of the net with Gaede leaving himself outnumbered and none other than Will Mudge was the one who solved Tucker on the play at 6:41 assisted by the new guy, Will McGee. This was a good, even game with battles back and forth by both squads. Jason “Salt ‘n Pepper” Yehle had a good stick check on Graham 1-on-1 to stop a shot attempt. Whalers’ Nate Robinson rifled one just over the crossbar past Farr’s ear. Kelly “Fuckin” Paaaark went to the box for tripping at 2:13. I noticed some good D being played by Mustangs defender Craig “Line Change” Switzer making up for his earlier gaffe. He even had to play decent D on the PP as Small had a good chance on the PK. The ‘Stangs only got off one SOG on the PP, and shot totals were 28-19 in favor of the Mustangs at the conclusion of the 2nd who outshot the Whalers 18-7 in this middle frame.

In the 3rd, Pupilla’s hard work generated a good chance on the backhand and a second chance as well at 13:16 with Farr needing to make good saves on both attempts. St. Germain showed his sweet hands again with a nice rush beating two Whalers on his way to shoot the puck over the net at 9:30. There were less shots either way so far this period. Park made two nice breakout passes and was skating better than he was last week after seeing two Shamans, an ayurvedic practitioner, a homeopath, acupuncturist and “special” massage therapist for his gout. Everything’s always better after a happy ending, right Parky? One thing about that massage therapist: he’s really good. Don’t ask me how I know. A breakaway by Deruochie was stopped by Tucker’s tight 5-hole coverage. He didn’t want another one going in there after the Mustangs’ first goal… or did he? The evidence says NOT. Baker got tripped up just inside the Whalers’ blue line on the attack by Robinson at 3:18, but it was the Whalers who scored on the PK with a shorthanded chance and then a goal by “Big” Ean Small from Dan “DeNerd” DeNard at 3:07! It was the insurance goal the Whalers needed. The Mustangs didn’t give up though. They kept pushing and pulled Farr from the net to go 6-on-5 just like a fraternity party, preventing an empty netter by Fenton and creating a few final chances, but they could not find the back of the net. The shots finished 40-25 in favor of the Mustangs and a 4-2 Whalers win.

MVP? “Big” Ean Small had 2 goals (one was a shorty) and an assist and played well all game with puck possession and control. DeNard had a goal and an assist, and Tucker received 40 shots on goal and only allowed 2 goals. These are my three nominees so you pick ‘em.

LVP? Nobody sucked or lost the game for their team, BUT that line change with 6 seconds to go in the 1st was BRUTAL, Switzer!  And Gaede… get the puck the fuck out of your zone when you have the chance, eh.

POST-GAME:
Lexi told me that The Mothman, Fenton and at least one other showed up and left before I arrived after the late game. That’s it, boys! Keep the tradition alive, eh! You’re my heroes, not zeroes. Also, DeNard came up to me after the game in the scorekeeper’s box to thank me for doing the game write ups saying that he looks forward to them every week. He even apologized for not being able to go out after the games cuz he has 3 little kids at home. Thanks, DeNerd! I really appreciate the feedback, and the kudos. All is forgiven post-game, eh. At least you have 3 good reasons for heading home right after the game… unlike the rest of these fucking pathetic losers! Oh… and the Mustangs have to be reminded AGAIN about their poor and inappropriate trash habits in the locker room post-game. C’mon, guys… really? You don’t know any better and haven’t been told multiple times already? Don’t ruin it for everyone else or you’ll be pariahs for fucking ever.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!  I will see you on the 10th as I’ll be down in Florida with my parents, so have a good game on the 3rd, eh.

Respectfully submitted,

McDefense, aka HKYDOC