UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Mustangs Say F*CK TUCK!

The Mustangs have started off their UVHL inaugural season with a pair of losses.  Those two losses are not indicative of their record as they outplayed the Gamblers in a 5-2 loss last week, but ran into a smoking hot goaltender in Evan "Almighty" Cline.

Tuck has been as advertised after 3 weeks and have carried on their offensive dominance from the 2022-23 season.  Led by a trio of highly skilled forwards playing on the same line; Luke "The Golden" Stickle(19pts), Jon "Dangles" Carkeek(15pts) and Aidan "Rocky" Balboni(13pts).

Tuck has ridden a 2 goalteder sytstem with Marshall Jenkins and Matthew Betten to a 3-0-0 record.  Their defense is anchored by Seamus "O'Nasty" O'Neill and and Matthew "Not related to Jared" Goff.  

The Mustangs offense is led by "Mad" Max Gavin(4pts), Matt Derouchie(3pts) and Jamal Sabky(2pts).  Their goaltender Colin "Neither Near, Nor" Farr is averaging 5.50 goas per game with a .776 save percentage.  Farr can be better, but his defense needs to do a better job in the defensive zone.

If the Mustangs can focus on shutting down Tuck's "Perfection Line" of Stickle, Balboni & Carkeek, they may have a chance, but we just don't think that will happen.  This looks like another Tuck blowout, Vegas is saying Tuck 7, Mustangs 1.

Mustangs Topple Tuck in Shootout

I received a nice welcome back by Matt Ouelette asking “How was it?” regarding my cruise last week. In short, it was fucking awesome. Food, hot tubs, 70’s Disco Party on Halloween night, more food, sexy time every day, and more food. Did I mention food? I ate the FUCK out of the cruise and I didn’t even gain a pound. Boom. I’m out of the loop this week without any pre-game insights other than that Tuck is the odds-on favorite in this match up.

Tuck came out in their dark jerseys tonight full of taped on numbers. At least they were accurate, and they were all dark. The Mustangs came out with their fugly gray jerseys (no yellow and no gray!) and one white jersey with one big #1 gray jersey lent to another player by the goalie. C’mon, guys… it is time to pony up and get enough extra jerseys so you don’t look like a bunch of chumps out there. I have an idea: Tuck – you must have an athletic department budget of some kind. Get enough jerseys both dark and white so that you have 15 extra every year to pass down to the first years. Brilliant, right? In any case, both light squads came to play in the late game of the UVHL tonight and it was a good one in a 10-on-9 battle. Tuck also welcomed a newcomer to the UVie tonight: Yu Shimomura, who didn’t look out of place at all.

Earlyish in the first Jon Carkeek put a shot over the Mustangs’ net and then Nicholas Sullivan just missed wide. As of 11:48 there were no actual shots on goal believe it or not. Believe it, fuckers, cuz the first real SOG was at 11:37 by the Mustangs no less. As the period went on Kevin Clarkson was in the Mustangs box for his first of two tripping penalties at 10:40. Tuck managed 4 SOG during the PP but Mikey “It’s long” Yablong whiffed on a good chance right by the post as it got stuck in his skates after the whiff. One job…With 5 seconds left in the PP Tuck had a giveaway at the point and Matt “Who Called Me A Douche?” Derouche came speeding down the ice with his teammate Schuyler “I Have A Goalie Jersey Fetish” St. Germain scoring on a second chance on the 2-on-1 to open the scoring at 8:36 only 4 seconds after the penalty expired. Unfortunately, I didn’t really see the Tuck goal at 6:57 and am not sure if it was scored on a scramble in front or if there were 1 or 2 shots. In any case Tuck tied it up on Nick Sullivan’s goal from Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill. A little while later O’Neill had a bad dream and missed the net high and to the right BAD on a completely open shot from the high circle. If it went over the net, it could have been a field goal but it wasn’t even close. One job… Are you guys sensing a theme to this young UVHL season so far? Uh huh. I could tell that you’re bright. As in Bright Eyes, you damn dirty apes! (Yes, that was an original Planet of the Apes reference. Deal with it. I don’t care if you’re too young to get it. Classic movie though…). The Mustang's netminder Colin Farr made some good saves as the shot total went up for Tuck 9-3 with 4:33 left in the first. Farr stopped a point-blank chance right in front of the net at 4:21 sending the Tuckies away shaking their heads. The Mustangs had a really sweet breakout and went down 3-on-1 with a nice chip pass for a good shot ad then the Tuckies came right back the other way. Farr was stuck on his stomach after making the first save as Tuck potted the 2-1 go-ahead goal with 46 seconds left as Luke “Stickel With The Pointy End” found the top of the net from Carkeek, who himself was having a good game skating and moving with the puck well all night. Shots were 13-5 in favor of Tuck as the 1 st period ended.

Tuck’s second line got it started off quickly in the second scoring just 26 seconds in to make it 3-1 by The Uknown Soldier supposedly wearing #77 according to the refs from O’Neill. Umm… there was no 77 playing for Tuck tonight, boys. Too many pre-game beverages in the ref’s room, perhaps? You’ll have to see this one on Live Barn or in Crazy Kelly’s corrected and fully researched game stats on the website cuz I only go by the game sheets I take home each night, eh. If you don’t like it then you can suck a bag of dicks. Yes, a whole bag. The Mustangs got back to within one barely 2 minutes later on St. Germain’s second marker from Brian Geraghty and Max Gavin(note: actually Chris Warrington). Clarkson was in the box again as forementioned at 12:15 and Tuck had several misses on the PP until Yablong found the back of the net from Stickel at 10:26 to make it 4-2. I have to say that the Mustangs and all other UVHL teams not named Tuck tonight were more competitive tonight. There was a marked improvement in both the Whalers and Mustangs and the gamblers and Tuck were their usual selves. I was honestly impressed by the play of all 4 teams tonight, and that doesn’t happen very often. Not because I’m fussy… but because all 4 teams were actually good and brought their A-games! This is so rare in a men’s league, so kudos to all of you for such an entertaining and competitive night. Carkeek gave a great pass at 5:11 to the far blue line from his own zone to create a good scoring chance for Tuck and a nice save by Farr. Once again, Farr made a great save in tight with 3:31 to go. He was keeping his team in it and supportive shouts were heard often from the Mustangs bench. A nice passing play for the Mustangs resulted in their 3rd goal of the contest at 2:59 with St. Germain completing the Hatty from “Maximus” Gavin who got his second of 3 assists on the night. They were only down by one and were being outshot 25-13. Maximus fed Will Mudge soon after at 2:10 to tie the game 4-4. The Mustangs were for real and came to play! Mudge’s goal was on a WICKED shot from down by the goal line that found a hole just like your first night at the Drive-In. Do some of you even know what a Drive-In is? It’s where most of the past 2-3 generations had their first sexual experiences “with a girl!” before we had cell phones and never left our rooms. 

St. Germain continued getting on the scoresheet, this time with a tripping penalty with 52 seconds left in the 2nd . As the 3rd period got underway, Tuck went ahead 5-4 at 14:06 on the ensuing PP, this time it was Aidan “Rocky” Balboni bulging the twine from yet another Unknown Soldier #21 who was supposedly playing for Tuck at the time. I think we should check the ref’s water bottles… In any case, O’Neill got the 2nd assist on the Balboni go-ahead goal and was skating well all game carrying and advancing the puck and doing his job as the QB from the Tuck blue line. Maggie LaGue(note: actually Matti Hartman), who made a guest appearance up on the wing tonight, made a great interception in the slot on a Tuck pass and fed it to St. Germain for his Auston Matthews-like 4th goal of the game at 13:25 to tie it at 5 apiece! Notice how I used a Maple Leaf reference there, eh, and not Pasta, and definitely not that little fucker who you ridiculously named captain Marchand. Matthews is, in fact, the current NHL goal scoring leader, so fuck you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but St. Germain’s 4-goal game MIGHT be the most in the UVie so far this season. The rest of this game was a grudge match. Both teams traded shots, blocked shots, poke checks and missed nets the rest of the way. Gavin continued his strong play with a good stick on Yablong to take away a scoring chance by Tuck. Farr made 2 great saves at 10:05 to keep the game tied up at 5. O’Neill continued skating smoothly and controlling the play in all 3 zones trying to get Tuck the lead once again. Farr made yet another great glove save to rob Stickel at 6:34 and Tuck was transitioning well into the offensive zone. Matt Goff hit the post behind Farr’s glove HARD and then Stickel made a good poke check to get the puck to Balboni who missed the net. Regulation time ended and the game was 5-5 and shots were a whopping 48-23 for Tuck. Everyone was going home happy, right? Nope… because THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

SHOOTOUT!
The Mustangs chose to go first and LaGue(actually Hartman) was poke checked by Betten to deny the chance.

Stickel went in for the shot and was DENIED by Farr’s glove.

Derouche(actually spelled Derouchie) missed the net badly on his attempt. One job. No defenders. One job.

Balboni missed the net low to the glove side. Umm… one job…

St. Germain tried to be a UVHL legend with his 5 th goal of the night but was DENIED by
Betten’s glove.

Carkeek had a chance to win it with the final 3-for-3 shootout attempt but his massive
speed and strength cause his stick to explode and there was no real shot generated.

It now went to the 1-for-1 round of “almost but not quite sudden death shootout”…

Will Mudge continued his offensive brilliance and totally WHIFFED on his shot. ONE.
FUCKING. JOB.

O’Neill skated in smoothly but was DENIED on the backhand by Farr.

Jamall Sabky went in on Betten beating him low blocker to put the ‘Stangs up 6-5!

Yablong had to make this one to keep the shootout going but was stopped by Farr’s L
pad.

Do you believe in miracles?!?! (Yes, I know I’m reaching… big time) MUSTANGS WIN!
MUSTANGS WIN in a 6-5 in a 5-round shootout! It was officially upset night in the
UVHL. But that’s what we want… competitive games where you have to bring your A-
game to win. Congrats to all 4 teams for bringin’ it tonight, eh!

MVP? Who can argue with a 4-goal night by the goalie jersey fetish man himself,
Schuyler St. Germain? Which one do you wear when you’re home all by yourself and
it’s “alone time”, huh? Tukka Rask? Gerry Cheevers? No… it has to be a 2011 Tim
Thomas jersey. I know I’m right. Don’t ask me how. An honorable mention must go the
Mustangs goaltender Colin Farr with another exceptional night in net. These two were
the difference makers in the game tonight.

LVP? ALL OF THE MUSTANGS for pussying out and all 11 players being a no show at
Applebee’s post-game. Umm, guys… and girl… every other team made it to the bar
after the game except YOU. Tuck had most of their team there still stinging from the
shootout loss, and where were you celebrating the big win? I know what happens in the
locker room stays in the locker room, but come on…

McDefense, aka HKYDOC