UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

A Rivalry Renewed: An Emotional Dumpster Fire Waiting to Happen

ODDS:	Lumberjacks By 2
OVER/UNDER:	8.5 Goals

Pre-Game Report: Lumberjacks (4-3-0) @ Whalers (3-3-0)

When these two teams meet, you don’t need popcorn—you need riot gear. Despite the Whalers holding a 3-2 record this season, they’ve historically been absolutely clobbered by the Lumberjacks, with the Jacks leading the all-time series 25-7. If that stat isn’t insulting enough, the last time these teams met, the Lumberjacks erased a 3-0 deficit to drop an eight-goal bomb on the Whalers’ heads and skate away with a humiliating 9-5 victory.

 
Keys to the Game

For the Whalers:
Stay Awake for 60 Minutes: Last time, the Whalers looked sharp for about 10 minutes, then melted like a Dairy Queen cone on asphalt.
Condon Redemption Tour: Jered “The Condor” Condon was last seen curled into the fetal position after letting in nine goals. If he wants to maintain his reputation as a beer-league Martin Brodeur, tonight’s the night to show up.
Stop the Dayno-DeLuca-MacKenzie Line: The Lumberjacks’ top line has combined for 40 points so far this season. That’s more points than Ean Small has excuses for missed passes.
 
For the Lumberjacks:
Keep It Simple: If the Whalers hand out turnovers like Oprah handing out free cars, the Lumberjacks just need to cash in. “You get a goal! You get a goal! Everyone gets a goal!”
MacKenzie Magic: Neil “The Real Deal” MacKenzie is sitting second in the league with 13 points in six games. He’s like a wizard with a hockey stick, and the Whalers’ defense will need a miracle to stop him.
Cut the Chirps: The Lumberjacks’ whining is legendary. Last game, the refs issued warnings when someone on the Jacks’ bench complained about the paint color on the arena walls. Save the chirps for when you’re up six goals.
 
Players to Watch

Whalers:

• Ben “The Rou-ster” Rouillard (9 Points): A one-man wrecking crew, Rouillard leads the Whalers in scoring. If he doesn’t show up tonight, it’s going to be a long game.


• Ezra “The Mutant” Mock (8 Points): This kid has been electric, but rumor has it he’s been moonlighting as a plow operator. Hopefully, he saved some energy for the rink.


• Dan “The Man” Fenton (8 Points): The hat trick hero from last time has the talent to lead this team—when he isn’t forgetting his defensive responsibilities and skating backwards into Condon.

Lumberjacks:

• Nathan “The Deluge” DeLuca (16 Points): DeLuca isn’t just leading the league in scoring—he’s absolutely embarrassing opponents. Whalers beware: leave him open, and he’ll make you cry.


• Neil “Mac Attack” MacKenzie (13 Points): MacKenzie’s no-look passes should be illegal. Someone send him to the Department of Homeland Security.

Zach “Dangerous” Dayno (11 Points): With silky hands and a tendency to show up when it matters most, Dayno is a silent assassin.
 
Quotes from Around the League

• Jered Condon (Whalers Goalie): “I’m still having nightmares about the last game. I’ve seen fewer pucks in a Pinball Machine.”


• Neil MacKenzie (Lumberjacks): “We don’t care about their excuses. We’re coming for the W, and maybe a couple of beers after.”


• Dan Fenton (Whalers): “We’ve got their number… except it’s written in crayon and upside-down. But still, we’ve got it.”


• Luke McCormick (Lumberjacks Goalie): “If I can stop the LaCroix brothers, I can stop anyone. Bring it on.”

Prediction and Prop Bets

• Moneyline: Lumberjacks -120


• Over/Under: 8.5 goals (Take the Over—defense will be optional).


• Prop Bets:
  
  
  
  • DeLuca to record a hat trick (+300)
  
  
  • Rouillard to get 2+ points (+200)
  
  
  • Condon to throw a water bottle in frustration (+500)
     
  
  
  
  

Final Prediction

The Lumberjacks are rolling into this game with swagger, while the Whalers are still licking their wounds from the last beatdown. That said, the Whalers have home ice and a new sense of desperation after that 9-5 meltdown. Expect this game to be wild, high-scoring, and absolutely ridiculous.

Final Score Prediction: Lumberjacks 6, Whalers 4
Three Stars:

• Nathan “The Deluge” DeLuca


• Ben “The Rou-ster” Rouillard


• Neil “Mac Attack” MacKenzie
   

Final Word

This one has “barn burner” written all over it, folks. Will the Whalers finally put together a complete game, or will the Lumberjacks continue to dance on their graves? Grab your popcorn, strap on your helmets, and get ready for a beauty.

Puck Drop: Wednesday, 7:55 PM.

Spoiler Alert: Somebody’s going to lose, and we’re all here for the drama.

Lumberjacks Sink the Whalers (Again) – DeLuca Dials Up a Hat Trick in 6-3 W

SAME OLD STORY. New game, same result. The Whalers (4-4-0) had their chances, but as is tradition, the Lumberjacks (5-3-0) found the net more often, defended less lazily, and had fewer existential crises in their own zone en route to a 6-3 victory. Once again, Nate “DeRoofa” DeLuca showed why he’s the league’s leading scorer, netting a hat trick and single-handedly putting Kelly “The Fossil” Park’s defensive career on life support.

This game also featured a father vs. son matchup, and it turns out that the younger Park is the superior Park. Lochlan Park not only danced around his old man like he was playing against a cardboard cutout, but he also scored his first UVHL goal in his first game. The elder Park, meanwhile, pinched at the worst possible times, got walked by his offspring, and finished the night with the same amount of points as a traffic cone.

The Whalers had their moments, taking a 2-1 lead in the first and creating just as many high-danger scoring chances as the Lumberjacks, but whether it was goaltending, finishing, or divine intervention, they simply could not keep pace with the league’s best line of DeLuca, MacKenzie & Dayno (aka The DMD Line, aka The Worst Thing to Happen to Goalies Since Wooden Pads).

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1st Period: A Glimmer of Hope Before the Collapse

The opening minutes featured a lot of icings by the Lumberjacks, possibly a strategic move to conserve energy or a sign that they were still digesting their pre-game beers. The Whalers looked strong early and even held the lead at one point, but like a bad investment in crypto, it didn’t last long.

Lumberjacks 1-0 – 8:54

A controversial play (or a “hockey play” if you ask Neil MacKenzie) led to the first goal. MacKenzie and Jason Yehle collided at center ice—some say accidental, some say MacKenzie had that look in his eye—and it left Yehle on the ice, staring at the ceiling, while Zach “Dangerous” Dayno found DeLuca for a breakaway.

Condon attempted his patented “Shitty Barrel Roll” save, a move he’s now 0 for 1,178 on his career, and DeLuca casually walked around him and tapped it in. “That move was so slick, Condon looked like he was getting ready for laundry day—completely undressed and left holding his jockstrap!” one Lumberjack said postgame.

Whalers 1-1 – 5:30

Ean “Not-So” Small got a foot on a DeLuca pass in the Lumberjacks’ zone, which led to a turnover and a high-danger opportunity. Ben “The Rou-ster” Rouillard toe-dragged DeLuca (yes, you read that correctly) and set up Ezra “The Mutant” Mock in the slot for a one-timer, bar down, absolute snipe over McCormick’s glove.

Whalers 2-1 – 4:47

The Small-Mock-Rouillard line stayed hot, striking again just 43 seconds later. Mock curled out of the near corner and sent a 24 mph missile to Rouillard for a one-timer. Rouillard’s shot hit the netting, bounced back to Small, who spun and ripped a laser from the top of the far circle. McCormick didn’t see it, the fans didn’t see it, and the Whalers were suddenly up 2-1.

At this moment, everything was perfect for the Whalers. Which is exactly why it all went downhill immediately.

Lumberjacks 2-2 – 0:05

With just 5 seconds left in the period, the Lumberjacks executed a flawless set play off an offensive zone faceoff.

• Will "The Thrill" McGee won the draw back to Andrew “Silent Assassin” Kimbell.


• Kimbell chipped it to Alex Brands at the point, who fired a quick shot through traffic.


• Nicky Hall pounced on the rebound, found Greg “The Butcher” Marsh on the doorstep.


• Marshy whiffed… then tapped in his own rebound, because the hockey gods were feeling generous.

Whalers went from leading to tied in 13 seconds. They’d never recover.

End of the 1st: Tied 2-2
Shots: Whalers 8 - Lumberjacks 9

 
2nd Period: DeLuca and Lochlan Park Ruin the Whalers' Lives

The second period was a masterclass in how not to defend. The Whalers had zero answers for the DMD Line, while rookie Lochlan Park made sure his dad never lived this game down.

Lumberjacks 3-2 – 12:29

DeLuca tried to undress Yehle, lost the puck, recovered it, and still managed to find Dayno in the slot for a quick one-timer. Yehle hasn’t been seen since.

Lumberjacks 4-2 – 6:47

MacKenzie, being the magician he is, dropped a puck into space at center ice for DeLuca, who was streaking into the zone with only Kelly Park attempting to backcheck. Park’s top speed of 2.3 mph wasn’t enough to catch DeLuca, who sniped glove side on Condon.

Lumberjacks 5-2 – 5:38

FATHER VS. SON.

Kelly Park pinched deep and lost a puck battle to his own son, Lochlan Park.

Lochlan, not wanting to embarrass his father too badly, instead dragged him through the neutral zone before taking off down the ice. DeLuca joined the rush, making it a 2-on-1.

But Lochlan didn’t pass. He didn’t need to. The rookie faked the pass and deked Condon out of his soul before slipping the puck five-hole for his first UVHL goal in his first career game.

“That’s my boy!” Kelly Park probably said while crying in the locker room.

End of the 2nd: Lumberjacks 5 - Whalers 3
Shots: Whalers 20 - Lumberjacks 19

3rd Period: Empty Net, Empty Hope

The Whalers hit two posts late in the 3rd, but they couldn’t find another goal.

Lumberjacks 6-3 – 0:39 (EN)

With the goalie pulled, the Whalers moved the puck beautifully before Rusty Teller threw a brutal cross-seam pass that got picked off by MacKenzie.

MacKenzie immediately sent the puck up ice, where DeLuca skated onto it for the empty-net dagger and his league-leading 15th goal.

 
Final Score: Lumberjacks 6, Whalers 3

Shots: Whalers 33 - Lumberjacks 28

 
3 Stars of the Game

???? Nathan "DeRoofa" DeLuca – 3 Goals, 1 Assist, and too much speed for the Whalers to handle.
???? Lochlan "The Superior Park" Park – 1st career goal, ending his father’s reputation.
???? Zach "Dangerous" Dayno – 1 Goal, 2 Assists, and the key to the DMD Line’s dominance.

 
Final Thoughts

• Lochlan Park > Kelly Park. That is all.


• DeLuca now has 15 goals, leading the league by a country mile.


• Whalers created chances, but couldn’t finish. Much like their season.


• McCormick > Condon, and it wasn’t close.

See you next week, when the Whalers attempt to not implode for once.

 

Team:	Time:	Type:	Player:	Details:
1st PERIOD
LMJ	08:54	Goal	DeLuca, Nathan(13)	Assist(s): Dayno, Zachary(7) Pierce, Dillan (2)
WHL	05:30	Goal	Mock, Ezra(6)	Assist(s): Rouillard, Ben (7) Small, Ean(7)
WHL	04:47	Goal	Small, Ean(6)	Assist(s): Rouillard, Ben (8) Mock, Ezra(4)
LMJ	00:05	Goal	Marsh, Greg(3)	Assist(s): McGee, Will(1) Hall, Nick(3)
2nd PERIOD
LMJ	12:29	Goal	Dayno, Zachary(7)	Assist(s): DeLuca, Nathan(6) Pierce, Dillan (3)
LMJ	06:47	Goal	DeLuca, Nathan(14)	Assist(s): MacKenzie, Neil(10) Dayno, Zachary(8)
LMJ	05:38	Goal	Park, Lochlan(1)	Assist(s): none
WHL	01:55	Goal	Robinson, Nate(2)	Assist(s): Fenton, Dan(6) McCormick, James(1)
3rd PERIOD
WHL	05:39	Penalty	allen, colston (1)	2 minutes for Holding
LMJ	00:39	Goal	DeLuca, Nathan(15)	Assist(s): MacKenzie, Neil(11)

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