UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Mustangs Look to Sweep Tuck in Season Series.

Because I'm too lazy and not quite sure if anyone actually reads these....I've plugged in some data into ChatGPT to write this pre-game report for me.....here was the result:

Men's Hockey League Pre-Game Report: Tuck vs. Mustangs
Ladies and gentlemen, grab your popcorn, lace up your skates, and get ready for another exhilarating showdown in the Men's Hockey League! Tonight, we have the clash of the titans: Tuck versus the Mustangs. It's going to be a battle on the ice that's guaranteed to have you on the edge of your seat!

Now, let's take a look at the stats and antics of these two teams so far this season. Brace yourselves for a rollercoaster of laughter and heart-pounding action!

Head-to-Head History:
The Mustangs have already proved their prowess, snatching victory not once, but twice from Tuck's grasp this season. With nail-biting scores of 4-3 and 6-5, they've left Tuck reeling. But don't count Tuck out just yet! With their pride on the line, they're coming back swinging tonight!

Stat Leaders:
Tuck:
Leading the charge for Tuck, we have the dynamic trio of Stickel "Sticky Fingers" Luke, Aidan "Balbo-Bomb" Balboni, and Jonathan "Carkeek Crusher" Carkeek, all tied with an impressive 32 points each. These guys are skating circles around the competition and leaving opponents dizzy with their slick moves!

And let's not forget about Mikey "Yablong the Puck" Yablong, with a respectable 15 points. He may not be leading the pack, but he's definitely leaving his mark on the ice!

In the goalie department, we have Matthew "The Betten Wall" Betten and Jenkins "Marshall the Save Machine" Marshall, both boasting solid records. These guys are the last line of defense, and they're not letting anything slip past them without a fight!

Mustangs:
Over on the Mustangs' side, we have Colin "The Great Wall of Farr" Farr holding down the fort in the net. Despite facing a barrage of shots, he's standing tall and keeping his team in the game!

Game Predictions:
With the Mustangs riding high on their previous victories and Tuck hungry for redemption, tonight's game is shaping up to be a wild ride! Will the Mustangs continue their winning streak, or will Tuck finally turn the tables and emerge victorious? Only time will tell, but one thing's for sure: it's going to be a game you won't want to miss!

So, grab your lucky jersey, chant your team's rally cry, and get ready to witness hockey history in the making! It's Tuck versus the Mustangs, and anything can happen on the ice! Let the games begin!

F*ckin' Tuck Pucks the Mustangs 8-1

All the fans left and the stands were empty for this final regular season tilt and final game of the season for the Mustangs. Unfortunately, the 5th place team is eliminated from the playoffs and there was no chance for the Mustangs to move up a spot. They can certainly be proud of how their team improved over their first UVHL season, of their 6-5 OT win over Tuck on 11/8, and their legit 4-3 win over Tuck in regulation on 1/24. Compliments were given to our lady UVHLer, “Local Legend” Matti Hartmann, pre-game by an unnamed leaguemate at the quality of her play, solid fundamentals, hockey smarts, and agreement by me that she is one of the best players in the league. The Mustangs certainly have a good core to build around and grow as a team in years to come.

In the 1st, Tuck hit the crossbar behind Farr at 14:30 letting the Stangs know they were starting on time. Luke Stickel went to the Tuck penalty box for a bodycheck at 13:05, but the Tuckies killed it off and then scored at 10:04 on Stickel “With the Pointy End”’s goal assisted by super linemate Jonathan “Super Dad” Carkeek. Just before the goal Carkeek made a great play to side step a Mustangs’ defender. The Mustangs managed their first SOG at the 8:17 mark. Aidan “Rocky” Balboni missed the net twice in a row hampered by his swollen ear throwing off his head’s center of gravity affecting his equilibrium, then O’Neill missed the net, and then Stickel did the same. Guys… the warm up is over… hit the fuckin’ net for fuck’s sake. Farr made a nice save on a breakaway by Nick “Bear Hug” Sullivan around the 4:00 mark. The Mustangs suddenly came alive and garnered 3 shots in a row on Betten, who is just begging for a UVHL nickname. Matthew… your nickname has to be earned over time, rhyme, or just come to me in a moment of inspiration, and I wish I could just help you out at the moment, but I’ve got nothing funny, serious or insidious to work with yet. Maybe if you misbehave, I’ll have some material someday soon, buddy. The season isn’t over yet and there’s still time. Just don’t go Ronny Hextall or Billy Smith someone in the crease, okay? Shots were 7-6 for the Stangs at the 2:34 mark. Farr charged out of his crease to play a loose puck and keep it away from Matt “Pinot Grigio” Ouelette and shots finished an even 10-10 at period’s end.

In the 2nd, “Selfish” Germain went to the box for a trip early in the period at 14:36. It’s good that he did because the speedy and skilled Pat Doherty took it upon himself to get an unassisted shorty forcing a breakaway on a sweet play with just 11 seconds left in the PK to tie it at 1 apiece! During said power play, Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill took the puck all the way into the Mustangs’ zone and made a back pass to no one from behind the Mustangs net that went aaalll the way back into Tuck’s end. Nice one, Dreamus. You quarterbacked that play perfectly. I think the Mustangs could have used you on their 3rd period PP last week. I’m serious. That play would have been an improvement from their absolutely unfuckable Valentine’s Day abortion of a PP. Why do I bring it up again? Because I can, and because the Whalers had some equally unfuckable PP’s tonight in the early game and all of it hurt my eyes… so it’s a recurring theme at the moment. To their credit, the Mustangs were MUCH improved tonight in the organization of their play, and they were keeping up with Tuck on shots and even leading on SOG several times. NOICE! Tuck answered just 4 seconds after the conclusion of St. Germain’s penalty at 12:32 with him still in the neutral zone exiting the box with Pinot Grigio burying it from Carkeek and defenseman Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong. Before the goal the Tuckies managed 2 SOG on their PP. At 9:08 Super Dad got his first of the game from The Dreamus and Stickel With the Pointy End. I noticed how well Doherty was playing for the Stangs with great speed, hockey smarts and passes. Too bad he was just an occasional sub this season. Throw him on the PP with Hartmann, St. Germain, Sabky and Warrington and you’ve got a lethal unit out there any UVHL team would have a hard time defending. Kevin Clarkson intercepted Balboni’s 4-on-2 pass in front of the net to negate a scoring chance for Tuck. At 5:45 shots were 18-17 for Tuck. Farr made a GREAT save on Stickel at 5:17. There was some debate on whether or not it went in, but the ref’s ruling obviously stood. Betten then made 2 great saves of his own at 4:32 after a sweeeet 4-player passing play by the Mustangs. AND THEN… IT HAPPENED:  a gorgeous stand up out of your seats Goal of the Year nominee occurred!  Nick “Bear Hug” Sullivan went in on a 1-on-1 down the R side fed by Carkeek and put a wicked backhander right over Farr’s L side into the top corner at 3:10. It might even have been a one-handed back-hander, I couldn’t see or recall it perfectly clearly because the tears of joy were still in my eyes at the beauty of this fucking goal. Parky, take note. This was a beauty, eh! Carkeek continued his dominance defensively with another great play and puck pursuit stopping a Mustangs’ chance coming out of the zone after a teammate’s bad pass into Carkeek’s feet. St. Germain took a coach’s most hated penalty tripping someone in the offensive zone behind the net, and in the final seconds of the period to boot! He went to the box at 0:06 and the Tuck PP continued into the start of the third period. Shots finished 24-22 for the Mustangs at the end of the second in this 8-on-9 battle.

In the 3rd, Tuck made the Mustangs pay for St. Germain’s penalty scoring at 13:57 on the PP with Matt “Pinot Grigio” Ouelette’s second of the night on a shot from the slot from Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong’s sweet pass with his second assist of the contest from the back end. O’Neill made up for his PP gaffe going end-to-end at 9:45 off a lead pass from Stickel and getting a nice backhand chance on Farr with the sweet save. O’Neill then made a nice defensive stop of a Mustangs 2-on-1 by Doherty and Dadekian, but the Mustangs kept the play going and got 3 SOG in succession and Betten had to stay sharp in Tuck’s net. #W from the Whalers, Dan Fenton, was subbing in on the ‘Stangs tonight, and he made a nice move splitting a couple of Tuck defenders who eventually slowed him down to limit him to a weak backhanded shot on net after a great effort. Doherty carried the scoring for his team striking again at 6:25 from Matt “I’m Not A Douche” Derouchie making the score 5-2 Tuck. Not to be outdone, Tuck answered quickly as they have shown they are capable of doing throughout this season just 27 seconds later at 5:58 on Yablong’s 3-point night with a goal assisted by Balboni after getting used to his ear equilibrium finding Yablong with the sweet pass. Tuck carried the momentum scoring again at 3:30 on Balboni’s goal from Stickel and at 1:16 on Carkeek’s second of the game from Sully and O’Neill. Tuck had an absolute barrage against Farr in the last minute of the game, and Farr was making athletic saves as the season expired for him and his team. SOG’s finished in favor of the Mustangs 43-39 putting forth a solid effort and better team game tonight even without Hartmann and Warrington, but with the solid addition of Doherty to the lineup. 

MVP: Carkeek was once again the best player in the game and had a Super Dad 5-point night with 2G, 3A, eventual GWG, and showcasing a complete 200’ game in both directions. Mikey Yablong gets the second nod with an impressive 1G, 2A from the back end and solid defense. 

LVP?:  Nobody sucked or cost their team the game.

POST-GAME:
Eight out of nine Tuckies made it out to the crowded bar after the late game and packed in beside the remaining Whalers. Spirits were high and the glasses were full. The playoff match ups were set and the semi-finals will be Gamblers-Lumberjacks and Tuck-Whalers next week. It was revealed that Torney had a great chirp about me after last week’s write-up and I insisted that I hear his inside thoughts right from the horse’s mouth. After being called out with the hands of a defenseman playing forward last week, Torney responded by saying that “McDefense is a better judge of feet than of hands”. FUCK. YES. Now THAT’S funny! True story, buddy, and I absolutely love that you gave me shit for it. Conversations turned to golf as it’s been on my mind and a lot of the guys are golfers as well. Tuck has an annual tournament at Crown Point every year where I am a member, and everyone looks forward to it. The Crown Point staff are always pumped and ready for it, and the Tuck “golfers” are three shots in before the shotgun start with music blaring and a Mardi Gras atmosphere engulfs the entire course for a day. The Tuckies get some stupid deal at Woodstock for the year for like $600 and last season Balboni broke 70 with a scorching 68 and FIVE birdies on the back 9 and a monster 1-putt on 18 that hit the pin and went in, otherwise it was going off the green. BOOM! My money is on that he won’t break 85 in early May at the Tuck Tourney because it is such a shit show, but only because of alcohol, mind you. It’s not really about golf… the golf is just a medium for everyone to get together for a great time and a fun and common experience… just like a hockey tournament up in Montreal for any of you that have ever gone to one of those weekends just a mere 3 hours north of booze, hockey, strippers, more booze, more hockey, puking on the bench, titties on the plexiglass from the ladies’ teams, locker room and hotel antics, and more strippers. There were some funny memories of adult hockey team names batted around, and I relayed the local legend of “Doggy Style” and the absolute collector’s item those banned Mud League jerseys became after Dick Dodds put the kybosh on them forcing a change of name to “Indognito”. Some other hits were the “Thirsty Beavers” and “Chicks With Sticks” for ladies’ team names, but I can’t recall the other 2 or 3 really funny ones the guys mentioned from adult hockey and baseball teams that they knew about over the years. We got into some compliments and admiration of two Tuckies’ endurance exercise regimes where they might get up in the morning and run 5 miles or cross-country ski for 2 hours, and then later on go on the bike or workout for a double-header. That’s pretty fucking impressive! My idea of a double-header at 53 is a swim in the morning and then jerking off before I take a 3-hour nap. Enjoy it while you can, boys, and soak it up. I noticed some weird behavior as the night went on to my right with cell phones out and more beers at that end of the table. Apparently, there is a boat race this weekend (now past) for the Dartmouth Winter Carnival, and Tuck was taking their best 5 on the team. Submissions were timed and recorded and the guys were putting forth some serious effort getting their best times documented for the world to see. Perfect practice makes perfect? As long as you beat those Harvard fucks all is good with the world, right? RIIIGHT? The guys were definitely putting in their 10,000 hours to become experts and a shot at beer chugging glory. I think that would be a fitting end to the UVHL season to have a boat race between the teams for beer drinking supremacy. Not to worry, you Gen Y-ers, Gen Z-ers and millennials. All went home safely with sober drivers, and no one said anything inappropriate at all. No one was offended in any way, shape or form, you over-sensitive pussies. I hope the Tuck Boat Race Team was well represented by Tuck hockey players and that you beat those Harvard fucks again! I look forward to hearing about how it went next week at “Club ‘Bee’s”, eh.

Respectfully submitted,
McDefense, aka HKYDOC