UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Whalers look to survive Tuck.

Soooo, this should be an absolute blowout.  The Whalers were dismal against a short-benched Lumberjacks team.  They generated 23 shots on goal but most of those were from low-threat areas.  The Whale have some new talent in Dan VeNard and Ean Small, who once settled in should be able to push the play.

Tuck picked up where they left off and may actually be more talented than last year.  The the UN-TUCKIN-BELIEVABLE line of Luke Stickel “With the Pointy End” between Aidan “Rocky” Balboni and Jonathan “Carfax” Carkeek were brilliant, putting together an epic 7 goal / 19 point performance.  

Vegas thinks that this will be a disaster, with Tuck winning by 28 goals and an over/under of 28 goals.

Tuck doesn't score 29 goals...so it's a win for the Whalers

A second week into the season and Vegas apparently had the line at Tuck -29  at the Whale. If you put money on it, I'm sorry. Tuck didn't cover. The Whalers kept up for most of the game and gave the Tuckies better competition than they faced last week. And that's even without Kelly Park sitting out for the Whalers again this week due to a two week hangover, torn Zach Hyman and bruised man-gina. Apparently Park doesn't like playing "with 6 D", so the Whale was without my former defense and business partner's superior hockey IQ, puck handling and passing abilities for the night. I've never seen anyone EVER in my hockey life advance the puck better and create plays coming out of the defensive end at such a slow speed... but you can't deny his talent and special abilities cuz it fekkin' works, eh! Even with a bad knee and talent skipping a generation Park's on ice abilities are truly some of the best I've ever seen. However, his shootouts are something to be desired cuz I recall a few missed nets back in the day and even a fall into the side of the net at LEAST once. Didn't you get your stick stuck on a shootout into the R side of the net by the post trying to go backhand and fall half on top of Bartline or Lallier and try to tea bag them as you fell with your Mike Peca right into their helmet? Um, the answer to that UVHL trivia question is YES.

But how about this fuckin' website, eh? Isn't this the best men's league website in the entire world? It's all Park, I tell you. He's hockey crazy. He even went through Live Barn on his own initiative and time to get the game sheet scores and stats exactly right after the refs gave mostly one assist on each goal and texted it to me. Who does that? Who cares about hockey this much? Parky does. Looks good on ya, buddy. Very, very good. This sure as hell isn't the Mud League or the Sunday Campion League. We've maintained a high standard for 20 years because WE LOVE HOCKEY. 'Nuff said.

I have a disclaimer this week for the game write-ups though... I'm sitting in the lobby of a hotel in Florida getting ready to hop on a 5-day cruise and I'm using only my game notes chicken scratched in horrendous doctor cursive onto a yellow legal pad. My apologies to all those who got goals and assists (and penalties, too!) because I won't be going through every one of them. You'll have to check out the game stats on your own for this one. Kelly and Will are gonna dock my pay 50% as a result and I'll only be able to buy one Busch Light 20oz Brewtus for 4 bucks and a one dollar tip at Applebee's post-game on my return.

The first SOG was by the Whalers just 32 seconds in. They came to play tonight and knew they had to bring their A-game against Tuck who appears to be the class of the league so far this season. The UN-TUCKIN-BELIEVABLE line struck at 13:49 to start the scoring on a Luke Stickel to Aidan "Rocky" Balboni to Jon Carkeek goal. The Whalers Jason Yehle rubbed out Carkeek behind the Whalers net but there was no call on the play. Carkeek then made a nice passing play up the ice to Stickel who put it across to Balboni for the Tuckies' second goal. The Whale answered seconds later on an Ean Small to Dan VeNard goal and we had ourselves a hockey game, ladies and gentlemen! I say that because there was at least one female fan in the stands, possibly even two at one point, to witness hockey perfection. Well, maybe not hockey perfection, but this game was a lot faster than the first one tonight and it was terribly entertaining. True story. Old man Jason "Salt 'n Pepper" Yehle continued his strong defensive play with a nice poke check to stop a scoring chance by Matt Ouelette on a 2-on-1. Stickel "With The Pointy End" continued his own sharp play with an unassisted goal on the power play at 4:35. Yet again, the Whalers answered quickly! It was only 3-2 at this point and the Vegas odds makers were being taken out back to "go swim with the fishes". Athanasiou later, assholes! Get a new job. Carkeek missed the net high blocker open in the slot after yet another nice pass by Stickel who soon afterwards cut across the net but wasn't able to solve Tucker "Too Long Of A Last Name To Type" on this one. Shots were a reasonable 16-11 in favor of Tuck after the first.

Tuck was playing well, passing, and scored 2 more goals to start the 2nd period. Betten made a nice glove save in Tuck's net at approx. 11:21 to maintain the lead. Shots were catching up a bit 19-15 by 10:07 of the second. "Rocky" Balboni was thwarted by Tucker's glove at 9:30 to go in the period. The Whalers had a 3-on-2 but James McCormick totally missed the net from the high slot. One job... and this seems to be a theme early in this young season for all teams. We ain't doing Shot Attempts here in the UVie, eh. I couldn't give a fuuuuuck what your Corsi or your Cunty is. This is old school, old time hockey a-la Don Cherry, okay? So hit the fekkin' net, eh! (strong northern Canadian accent). Tuck's Jack Tormey had a nice 1-on-1 with the Whalers Colton Allen. I can't remember if it was a goal or if it was a nice defensive play, but trust me it was NOICE! A good save was made soon after and then the Whalers scored at 6:22. The SOG's were now even and the Whalers made several in a row unanswered by Tuck. The Whale came to play tonight! Chuck Gaede made a great stick lift on Matt Goff to prevent a tip in chance and keep Tuck off the board. I couldn't help but notice how Tuck's top line was good at finding space to be available for passes. In the end that was the difference in this game. Tuck was victim to a 2-on-1 in the last seconds of the period but a great reach back save by Betten kept the puck out of the net.

The teams only mustered one shot each through 11:27 until Tuck got their second shot on net of the 3rd period. Shots were 35-25 in favor of Tuck at 10:29. The next 4 and a half minutes saw very few shots generated by either team. This lull happened in both late games last week. Is it past your beddy bye and are you tie tie? Do you want Daddy to sing you a lullaby or read you a book before bed? How about Go The Fuck To Sleep narrated by Samuel L. Jackson? I had a full day of patients and didn't have my afternoon nap and I almost fell asleep during this stretch of the game. I hope it's not a trend, but two weeks in a row in 3 out of 4 games starts to make me wonder... and kinda like our man Frank The Tank in the classic movie Old School I started to wonder what color panties the one fan in the stands was wearing while daydreaming during this sad part of the game... Hey! Don't judge me! This is supposed to be a safe place where I can say anything, remember? Regardless, the lull and daydreams about little thong panties and pretty feet ended with the Whalers' lamenting Christian Scott in the box for a bodycheck at 6:00. The ensuing PPG by Mikey Yablong fed by a nice pass in the slot from Matt Goff eventually found the back of the net but Tucker made the first save on that attempt. Betten made two good saves of his own with just 3:00 to go in the game. There was a scrum in front of the net at 2:19 resulting with a roughing penalty to Scott. Tuck hit the post with 1:33 left and the net went off it's moorings causing the ensuing shot to be DQ'd as a legit goal as the net was clearly off to Tucker's left before it crossed the goal line. In the last minute of play there was a good race for the puck between McCormick and Goff each showing they still had some gas left in the tank at the end of this competitive game. Tuck prevailed 8-3 but this was a good one start to finish with the exception of that lull in the 3rd.

MVP? ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME TUCKIES WHO ANSWERED THE CALL AND CAME OUT AFTER THE GAME! FUUUUUCK YEAAAH!  I was sitting at the bar and I heard "Hey, McDefense" from behind me only to see 9 out of the 10 Tuck players filing in for some post-game food, libations, laughs, stories and good times. Now THAT'S also what the UVHL is about. It was a pleasure getting to know all of you guys learning about where you were from, where you played your hockey before coming to the UVie, and hearing your stories and comments on the league. Parky... they looove the website! And as they should. Kudos to you, buddy. The Tuckies indulged me with the tale of how we started the league and other stories of yesteryear. I learned that there are players on their team this season that played D3, college club, junior B, and even one player who started hockey late in life that got to learn the game in Europe as his skills and knowledge matured. They come from places like New England, New York, Arizona and Pennsylvania. Quite the variety! One player even knew where Newmarket , Ontario was - that's where I went to high school and played and where Connor McDavid is from, eh. We talked about concussions, the Tuck B team and Tripods, and about one Tuckie that has her whole arm in a cast from landing wrong onto her shoulder learning how to skate. Sorry to hear about that, hun... you've got some serious school and personal spirit not only to give skating a shot, but to keep going during your difficult professional degree nursing this injury. I hope that it's a good story to tell someday and that you recover fully. I'm looking forward to other post-game get togethers with all of you, and with more UVHLers if they would only get with the program. Thanks again for coming out guys. Fuck yeah.

LVP? Are you guys really the WHALERS? Do you know the history of your team? This franchise USED to be the best team for camaraderie and for always going out after the game, win or lose, storm or fair weather for well over a decade. Not anymore, I guess. Lallier, Johnson and the rest of the boys would be disappointed. You don't even have a half hour plus ride home from Woodstock anymore. C'mon man... This goes for all UVHLers: come on out after the game... sometimes at least. Our hockey careers go fast. Don't waste it by not hanging out with your teammates and leaguemates post-game, eh.

I'll see you all in two weeks! (and hopefully at Applebee's post-game as well) Hopefully, I'll be sporting a nice thong tan myself from the cruise.