UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

A Battle of Redemption and Resilience

Pre-Game Report: Mustangs (2-4-0) @ Whalers (3-2-0)
Date: December 11th, 2024
Time: 9:45 PM
Location: Whalers Ice Pond

A Battle of Redemption and Resilience

The Mustangs roll into Whalers territory desperate to snap a four-game losing streak against their division rivals. With a series record of 0-4, the Mustangs haven’t just been losing—they’ve been getting roasted. Meanwhile, the Whalers, fresh off a few strong showings, are looking to maintain their winning ways and solidify their place in the UVHL standings.

Adding some spice to this matchup is the return of Rusty “Where in the World” Teller, a veteran defenseman making his triumphant return after what feels like a decades-long hiatus. The Whalers hope Teller’s steady play can counteract the defensive meltdowns they’ve been prone to this season.

Keys to the Game

For the Mustangs:

• Farr or Farce? If Colin “Far from Bad” Farr can keep his GAA closer to 3.0 than 4.0, the Mustangs might just stay in this one. Otherwise, expect a repeat of their October 30th drubbing.


• Sabky Steps Up: Jamal “The Sabre” Sabky is their offensive engine, and he’ll need to be at his slashing, dangling best to crack the Whalers’ shaky defense.


• Stay Out of the Box: The Mustangs’ penalty kill has been about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. They cannot afford to give the Whalers’ top scorers free looks.

For the Whalers:

• Mock the Mustangs: Ezra “The Rock” Mock exploded for four goals the last time these teams met. If he can channel even half of that energy, the Mustangs are in trouble.


• Condon’s Last Stand: Jered “The Condor” Condon has been a mixed bag—brilliant one moment, flailing the next. If he plays solidly, the Whalers will be tough to beat.


• Rust Never Sleeps: Rusty Teller returns to the lineup, bringing experience, grit, and hopefully not too much rust from his time in, uh, wherever he’s been hiding.

Players to Watch

Mustangs:

• Jamal “The Sabre” Sabky: Tied for 10th in league scoring, Sabky is as dangerous as they come when he gets space.


• Logan “The Cat” Caffrey: The rookie has shown flashes of brilliance and will be key to the Mustangs’ counterattack.


• Will “The Thrill” Mudge: The captain needs to inspire his squad to keep fighting, even when the Whalers inevitably take an early lead.

Whalers:

• Ezra “The Rock” Mock: Coming off a four-goal game in their last meeting, Mock is ready to terrorize Farr and company again.


• Ben “The Roux Chef” Rouillard: Consistently finding ways to get on the scoresheet, Rouillard is the glue that holds the Whalers’ offense together.


• Dan “Vanguard” VeNard: The captain loves nothing more than blasting bombs from the point, and against Farr’s porous glove side, he might just light the lamp.

Quotes from Around the League

• Rusty Teller: “I’ve been training in the shadows, Rocky-style. I’m ready to bring the pain... or at least the mild discomfort.”


• Ezra Mock: “Four goals? That was just me warming up. I’m thinking six this time.”


• Colin Farr: “If my defense could take a man, one man, I might actually get some sleep tonight.”

Odds & Predictions

• Moneyline: Whalers -180, Mustangs +160


• Over/Under: 8.5 goals


• Prop Bets:
  
  
  
  • Mock to score 2+ goals (+200)
  
  
  • Sabky with a multi-point game (+250)
  
  
  • Farr to survive all three periods (+500)
  
  
  
  

Prediction: The Mustangs will put up a valiant fight, but their defensive lapses and Farr’s struggles will be too much to overcome. Look for the Whalers to pull away late in what should be a high-scoring affair. Final score prediction: Whalers 6, Mustangs 4.

Final Word

The Mustangs are hungry for their first win in this series, but the Whalers’ firepower and the addition of Rusty Teller might be too much to handle. Can Farr and Sabky lead the Mustangs to an upset, or will Mock and the Whalers continue their dominance? Find out Wednesday night in what promises to be a barnburner!

Game Recap: Whalers at Mustangs (Sort Of)

Mustangs Forfeit, Whalers Scrimmage, Chaos Ensues

The Mustangs failed to muster enough players for an actual game, leading to an official forfeit and a very embarrassed UVHL front office. Only Colin "Far from Bad" Farr and Van "The Lone Ranger" Bailey bothered to show up for the Mustangs, leaving everyone wondering if the rest of the team had forgotten their love for hockey—or perhaps their game schedule.

Meanwhile, the Whalers showed up in full force, ready to play hockey. Instead, they were treated to the ultimate insult: organizing their own team sacrifice. The Whalers graciously (and somewhat foolishly) sent Kelly "The Mouth" Park, Scotty "Too Hotty" Christian, Rusty "The Traveler" Teller, and Jason "Ghost of Defense" Yehle over to the Mustang bench for what can only be described as the Motley Crue Mustangs.

The Scrimmage: A Comedy of Errors

With the Whalers down four regular defensemen, things devolved into pure chaos. Dan "The Fenomenon" Fenton and Nate "Sniper (Not a Defenseman)" Robinson were forced to take shifts on defense. The result? Defensive lapses so egregious they sent fellow blueliner Dan "Vanguard" VeNard into full existential crisis mode. VeNard reportedly left the bench mid-game, mumbling something about "this is why I can’t have nice things" before projectile vomiting in the hallway.

The scrimmage itself? A fun but sloppy affair that saw the Motley Crue Mustangs pull out a shocking 6-3 win. The Mustangs were bolstered by alternates Michael Cimis, Billy Clark, and Will McGee, while Whalers goalie Jered "The Condor" Condon was left hanging out to dry more times than an old sweater.

Scoring Summary

• 
  

  1st Period: The Motley Crue came out swinging, with Rusty Teller somehow channeling his inner Bobby Orr to notch a goal and an assist in the opening minutes. The Whalers struggled to adjust to their new "defensemen," and Farr made a series of big saves to keep his ragtag squad in the game.

  
  


• 
  

  2nd Period: With Kelly "The Mouth" Park barking orders and Scotty Christian embracing his inner enforcer, the Crue extended their lead to 4-2. The Whalers’ Dan Fenton was quoted saying, “I didn’t know playing defense meant watching forwards skate right by you.”

  
  


• 
  

  3rd Period: The Whalers mounted a brief comeback attempt, but the Crue sealed the deal with a couple of breakaway goals. The highlight? Van Bailey putting on a one-man show, dangling through three Whalers before roofing the puck over a sprawling Condon. Bailey celebrated by pointing to his empty bench, yelling, “Where are my boys at?!”

  
  

Three Stars (From This Clown Show)

1. Colin Farr (Mustangs): Farr stopped everything short of a meteor, proving he was the only Mustang truly invested in the night.


2. Van Bailey (Mustangs): Bailey brought the skill, the chirps, and the heart, carrying the Crue to victory.


3. Rusty Teller (Motley Crue Mustangs): Back from retirement and making plays like it’s 2018. The guy’s still got it.

Post-Scrimmage Quotes

• Dan VeNard (Whalers): “I can’t do this. I can’t play hockey with forwards pretending to be defensemen. This is not hockey. This is a mockery.”


• Colin Farr (Mustangs): “I deserve a medal for showing up tonight. Someone call my mom. I’m a hero.”


• Ezra Mock (Whalers): “I’m not saying we tanked, but we tanked. I mean, look who we had on defense!”


• Kelly Park (Motley Crue Mustangs): “We didn’t win. The Whalers just lost harder.”

Takeaways

1. Mustangs: Embarrassing. Disrespectful. Un-American. The only thing worse than forfeiting is barely showing up and making the Whalers scramble to salvage a game.


2. Whalers: A noble effort despite their self-inflicted wounds. Let’s just pretend this one never happened, okay?


3. UVHL: Maybe institute a “show up or else” policy for next season.

Final Thoughts

While it was a night of laughs and camaraderie, the Mustangs’ inability to field a team was a slap in the face to their opponents and the league. The Whalers deserve credit for making the best of a bad situation, but you have to wonder if they’ll ever let this one go.

Next week, the Whalers take on the Tuck Turduckens. Let’s hope they bring more than just their dignity to the rink.