UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Jacks Look to Splinter Whalers.

Pre-Game Report: Whalers (2-1-0) @ Lumberjacks (1-3-0)
Date: Wednesday, November 20th, 2024
Time: 9:20 PM
Location: Lumberjack Ice Arena and Sauna (it’s been humid in there lately)

Matchup Overview:

This isn’t just another hockey game; it’s a battle for pride and possibly the last shreds of sanity for both teams. The Lumberjacks lead the all-time series 24-7, but the Whalers have swept the last two meetings, including a lopsided 7-3 win in January.

The Lumberjacks are reeling after their latest loss to the Gamblers (5-1), while the Whalers are fresh off their bye week and fueled by a team dinner at an all-you-can-eat pasta bar. Expect the carbs to kick in during the third period.

Key Players to Watch:

Whalers:

• Ezra “The Mutant” Mock: Leading the league in “absolute snipe shows” with 5 goals, Mock claims he uses a secret pre-game ritual: “I stare into a toaster until I see my reflection. Keeps me humble.”

• Jered “The Condor” Condon: The Whalers’ goaltender is posting a respectable .899 save percentage, but sources say he’s been working on a new move called “The Yoga Crab.” Time will tell if it pays off.

• Dan “Vanguard” VeNard: His “bombs from the point” strategy works 12% of the time, every time.

Lumberjacks:

• Nathan “The Deluge” DeLuca: With 7 points, DeLuca is the offensive cornerstone. When asked about his shooting accuracy, he said, “I aim for the goalie's head. Everything else is just gravy.”

• Jay “The Pizzaman” Zanleoni: Captain, GM, team therapist, and the guy who orders post-game pizzas. Known for his leadership and terrible pepperoni-to-cheese ratio.

• Luke “The Spiceman” McCormick: Goalie extraordinaire, McCormick has faced 131 shots this season and saved most of them. “It’s like dodgeball, except if you dodge, everyone yells at you,” he said.

Quotes:

• Ezra Mock: “The Lumberjacks? More like the Splinterjacks. We’re going to leave them in pieces.”

• Nathan DeLuca: “The Whalers better bring a life raft because I’m flooding the scoreboard tonight.”

• Jered Condon: “If anyone sees a puck, please return it to my crease. I’ll be busy meditating.”

Odds & Predictions:

• Moneyline: Whalers -125, Lumberjacks +105


• Over/Under: 8.5 goals


• Prop Bets:


• Ezra “The Mutant” Mock to score a hat trick (+250)


• Luke “The Spiceman” McCormick to stop 40+ shots (+300)


• Jay “The Pizzaman” Zanleoni to chirp the ref at least 5 times (-400)

Prediction: This game will come down to which team can manage fewer turnovers—and which one can keep their bench hydrated. Final score prediction: Whalers 5, Lumberjacks 3.

Game Storylines:

1. Whalers’ Top Line vs. Lumberjacks’ Defense
   Mock, Small, and Rouillard are clicking, but can the Lumberjacks’ blue line hold? DeLuca was heard saying, “I’m playing D tonight... maybe. Depends on how the vibes are.”


2. Goalie Battle “The Condor” vs. “The Spiceman.” Two goalies, one puck, and probably some misplaced rebounds.


3. Bench Dynamics Will the Lumberjacks survive another game of Nick “The Stick” Hall yelling, “I’m open!” and immediately missing the net?

Pre-Game Narrative:

Word around the rink is that Ezra Mock spent the bye week training with an unconventional method: chasing a laser pointer around his backyard. “It’s all about hand-eye coordination,” said Mock, who may or may not be part cat. Meanwhile, Jay Zanleoni has reportedly implemented a “pizza per point” system for his team. “If you don’t score, you’re eating crusts,” he declared at practice.

On the Whalers’ side, Condon revealed he’s been visualizing saves by balancing a puck on his nose during team meetings. “It’s a mental game,” said Condon, who was promptly booed by his teammates.

Final Word: The Whalers look sharp, and the Lumberjacks look... well, tired. But anything can happen in men’s league hockey, especially when the beer is cold, and the pizza is free. Buckle up, folks—it’s going to be a weird one! ????

Written by ChatGPT.

Lumberjacks End Incredible Comeback With Slaughter of Whalers

Game Recap: Lumberjacks 9, Whalers 5
Date: November 20th, 2024
Location: Lumberjack Ice Arena

Lumberjacks Come Storming Back in Wild 9-5 Win Over the Whalers

The Lumberjacks (2-3-0) delivered an epic comeback win over the Whalers (2-2-0), scoring eight unanswered goals after trailing 3-0 early in the first. This game had everything: suspect defense, bad goaltending, lazy backchecking, and enough turnovers to start a bakery.

It’s safe to say the Whalers absolutely fell apart after taking the lead, while the Lumberjacks’ line of Neil “Mac Attack” MacKenzie, Zach “Dangerous” Dayno, and Nate “The Deluge” DeLuca played like they were powered by rocket fuel.

1st Period: Whalers Start Hot, Lumberjacks Begin to Smolder

The Whalers jumped out to an early lead, taking advantage of some questionable decisions by the Lumberjacks.

• Lumberjacks 1-0: Andrew “Killer” Kimbell intercepted a lazy drop pass by Ean “It Ain’t” Small at the top of the circles and stormed down the near boards, roasting Small in a foot race. Kimbell fired a quick shot five-hole on Jered “The Condor” Condon, who might’ve been staring at a bird in the rafters.


• Whalers 1-1: A bad-angle shot by Jay “The Pizzaman” Zanleoni turned into a perfect breakout pass for Aidan “Boondocks” Boonyaharn, who went blocker side on Luke “The Spiceman” McCormick.


• Whalers 2-1: Dan “The Man” Fenton cleaned up an Ean Small rebound, jamming it past McCormick while the Lumberjacks’ defense played freeze tag.


• Whalers 3-1 (PPG): With Neil “Mac Attack” MacKenzie in the box for throwing Brandon “The Chasm” Chiasson’s stick, the Whalers' power play was sharp. Dan VeNard set up a slick one-timer from Ezra “The Mutant” Mock, whose rebound was buried by James “Not That McCormick” McCormick, taking sibling rivalry to a whole new level.

End of the 1st: Whalers 3, Lumberjacks 1
Shots: Lumberjacks 14, Whalers 19

2nd Period: The Comeback Begins

The Lumberjacks slowly found their rhythm while the Whalers started to unravel.

• Whalers 4-1: A 4-on-1 rush for the Whalers saw Small feed VeNard, who dished it to Fenton for an uncontested wrister past McCormick. Dillan “Traffic Cone” Pierce, the lone defenseman, could only stand and watch.


• Lumberjacks 2-4: After a monster penalty kill, the Lumberjacks scored when Nate “The Deluge” DeLuca fed Zach “Dangerous” Dayno for a slick redirection in the crease.


• Lumberjacks 3-4: On the next shift, Dayno returned the favor with a backdoor pass to DeLuca, cutting the lead to one. The Whalers’ Dan VeNard was last seen freelancing near the popcorn stand.


• Lumberjacks 4-4: Dayno completed the comeback, walking the puck out from below the goal line and scoring on a terrible angle. Condon, clearly rattled, looked like he’d rather be anywhere else.

End of the 2nd: Whalers 4, Lumberjacks 4
Shots: Lumberjacks 30, Whalers 28

3rd Period: The Floodgates Open

The final frame was a massacre, with the Lumberjacks scoring five more goals while the Whalers completely imploded.

• Lumberjacks 5-4: A rebound off Alex “Sniper” Brands’ point shot found its way into the back of the net after a scrum involving Zanleoni, Kimbell, and half the Whalers.


• Lumberjacks 6-4: Zanleoni bullied his way past Scotty “Too Hotty” Christian and slid the puck under Condon, who was probably rethinking all his life choices.


• Lumberjacks 7-4: Another turnover by Small turned into a counterattack where MacKenzie sniped top corner, using Bentley “Boondoggle” Boonyaharn as a screen.


• Lumberjacks 8-4: Greg “The Butcher” Marsh sent a moonshot into the zone that MacKenzie batted out of midair, deked around two Whalers, and slipped it through Condon. By this point, Condon looked like he was auditioning for America’s Next Top Goalie Meltdown.


• Whalers 5-8: VeNard muscled the puck to Fenton, who chipped in a rebound, giving the Whalers a tiny sliver of hope.


• Lumberjacks 9-5: Jordan “McGee the Magician” McGee took a turnover from Small, deked two defenders, and five-holed Condon to seal the deal.

Final Score:

Lumberjacks 9, Whalers 5
Shots: Lumberjacks 41, Whalers 34

Three Stars:

1. Zach “Dangerous” Dayno – 2 goals, 2 assists, and a sparkplug all night.


2. Neil “Mac Attack” MacKenzie – 2 goals, 3 assists, and made the Whalers' defense look silly.


3. Dan “The Man” Fenton – A hat trick in a losing effort, but you could argue he was skating in another dimension.

Post-Game Quotes:

• Luke McCormick: “We gave up five goals to Fenton. That’s like letting your dog drive the car. It’s impressive, but also terrifying.”


• Jered Condon: “I’d like to thank my teammates for letting me work on my mental toughness tonight. Really appreciate it, guys.”


• Ean Small: “My back hurts from carrying this team. Wait, we lost? Never mind.”

The Aftermath:

This game cements the Lumberjacks' status as the Whalers’ kryptonite. The DeLuca-Dayno-MacKenzie line was unstoppable, combining for 13 points and leaving the Whalers’ defense in shambles. For the Whalers, it’s back to the drawing board after an embarrassing collapse.

Moral of the story: never take a lead for granted—especially when you’re playing a team that thrives on chaos.