UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Slow and Steady vs. Speed and Skill: Tuck vs. Whalers Playoff Preview

I'm too tired...so here is your CHATGPT Pre-Game Report...

Pre-Game Report: Tuck vs. Whalers - Clash of the Titans (Sort of)

Gather 'round, hockey fans, because it's time for another epic showdown on the ice as the #2 seed Tuck squares off against the #3 seed Whalers in what promises to be a battle for the ages. Well, maybe not ages, but at least until the final buzzer sounds.

Head-to-Head History:

These two teams have been trading blows all season long, with each claiming victory in one of their previous matchups. The Whalers struck first with a decisive 7-2 win, but Tuck fired back with a resounding 9-3 victory of their own. With the series tied at one apiece, tonight's game will serve as the tiebreaker, and both teams will be looking to assert their dominance on the ice.

All-Time Results:

Tuck may lead the all-time series with a commanding 46-18 record, but as any hockey fan knows, anything can happen in the playoffs. Will the Whalers be able to defy the odds and pull off the upset, or will Tuck continue their dominance and punch their ticket to the finals?

Stat Leaders:

Leading the charge for Tuck is the dynamic trio of Jonathan "Captain Clutch" Carkeek, Aidan "The Assist Machine" Balboni, and Luke "Stickel 'Em Up" Stickel. With a combined 107 points between them, these three skaters have been lighting up the scoreboard all season long.

On the Whalers' side, Daniel "The Venard Viper" VeNard leads the charge with 19 points, followed closely by the speedy sniper Nate "The Tortoise" Robinson. Sure, he may not be the fastest skater on the ice, but what Nate lacks in speed, he more than makes up for in heart and humor.

Between the Pipes:

In goal for Tuck is Matthew "The Wall" Betten, boasting a respectable 3.5556 GAA. Meanwhile, Tucker "The Goalie Guru" Garrity-Hanchett will be standing tall between the pipes for the Whalers, looking to shut down Tuck's potent offense.

Player Banter:

Let's talk about Nate Robinson for a moment. Despite being the slowest player in the league, Nate's infectious energy and unwavering positivity make him a fan favorite and a vital presence in the Whalers' locker room. Plus, when he does get his shot on net, you better believe it's going in.

Prediction:

In terms of the money line, this game is about as close as they come. With both teams evenly matched and everything on the line, it's anyone's game. But if I had to make a prediction, I'd say Tuck squeaks out a narrow victory in a game that goes down to the wire.

Final Thoughts:

As the players take the ice and the puck drops, one thing is for certain – tonight's game is going to be a wild ride from start to finish. So grab your popcorn, settle in, and get ready for some heart-stopping playoff hockey action. It's Tuck vs. Whalers, and it's going to be a barnburner. Let's drop the puck and let the games begin!

Tuck Advances To Finals With 4-1 Win Over Whalers

As stated in the first semi-final’s introduction, it was an unseasonably warm night with poor ice conditions for this 2 vs. 3 match-up in late February. There were 4 fans in the stands to witness this contest at the WABA in Hartford delayed by the high school playoff game earlier in the evening. Both teams had a full complement of players and looked ready to put forth their best effort for a shot at men’s league glory next week for the UVHL’s Whalen Cup. Luke Stickel of the Tuck squad returned the coveted 20-year-old trophy at the beginning of the game stating that it would be bad karma to keep it since the playoffs were starting. You got that right, Luke, and you’re a class act!  I forgot how heavy that little monster is as I admired it remembering the inaugural season as my team, the Nordiques, won it on former Johnstown Chiefs’ forward and enforcer Jon Gillespie’s game ending shootout goal all the way back in March of 2004. That goal and that feeling is still etched in my mind… I remember thinking that I didn’t care if I never won another one as it was so important and I was so happy to win it that very first season. We were lucky to win it again 3 years later with Will Meyer leading the way on the Nordiques before he founded the Gamblers the very next year. I’m so proud of this league and knew I left it in good hands after I retired from competitive hockey in 2014. Kelly and Will have been through some tough times keeping the league intact and not folding during the two years we didn’t play during Covid. They could have walked away, but didn’t. They love hockey and know the UVHL has an important place in the upper valley and beyond as the first A-level men’s/adult hockey league in the State to go all season October to April. The deep history continues… but with a blemish. More on that later.

In the 1st, Tuck had the first shot on net at 14:08 right into Tucker’s chest. This one started out at a good pace, just like the first game. Playoff hockey is different, and this game echoed that history. The Whalers’ Dan “DeNerrrd” DeNard got off a hard, quality shot on Betten at 10:54. Tucker made a nice save on Ryan “Pretty Feet” Cassidy at 10:31. Stickel put one just over the net at 8:59. The rink was just a bit colder at this time and the ice held up better for about half a period longer than in the first semi-final contest… but it still sucked. A nice play by Matt “Pinot Grigio” Ouelette up to Nick “Bear Hug” Sullivan to Karch “Sexy Pretzel” Bachman generated a good, hard shot on net in the slot. Tucker had to make 2 saves in a row in the 6th minute to keep the game scoreless. At 5:28 it was Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill with a blast saved by Tucker in the Whalers’ net. Tuck struck first at 5:18 on a nice blast of his own up high by Karch “Sexy Pretzel” Bachman and linemates Ryan “Pretty Feet” Cassidy and Nick “Bear Hug” Sullivan. Ouelette got greedy playing the point tonight on a shot attempt that should never have been taken as it was easily blocked by Nate “Sniper” Robinson up top in the zone springing Robinson for a breakaway and a good shot on net saved by Betten in Tuck’s net. I noticed how James “Sweet Spice” McCormick really elevated his game tonight really hustling for the puck pressuring Tuck and searching for a turnover. Luke “Stickel With the Pointy End” got called for a bodycheck at 0:34. Shots finished 15-9 Tuck at period’s end.

In the 2nd, the Whalers had a totally fuckable power play! Just 16 seconds into the period #W Dan Fenton was fed by Big Ean “It’s Not” Small to tie the game 1-1 at 14:44! As usual, Tuck answered quickly as they have done regularly throughout this entire season. Stickel was fed by Aidan “Rocky” Balboni at 12:25 to put Tuck back up by a goal. Tucker kept his team in it stopping Sexy Pretzel on a breakaway at about 10:45. Bachman was having a strong game getting open, making smart plays, and unleashing his heavy shot, and Tuck welcomed his return after his 185th shoulder aggravation. A weird bounce off the boards in Tuck’s end gave possession to Tuck, and Jonathan “Super Dad” Carkeek was fed by Stickel for a 5-holio breakaway at 8:26 and a 3-1 lead. This game was fast, there were good puck battles, and there were quality chances at both ends. The net came off at 4:47, and then Tucker made a nice blocker save at about 4:10. Stickel made a great advance with the puck to penetrate into the zone to go in front and find a hole through Tucker at 3:28 from D-man Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill and linemate Carkeek. Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong played some great D to stop a DeNerrrd pass in front after DeNard was fed a great long pass for a break up the R side keeping DeNard to the outside preventing any scoring opportunity. Brandon “Power Forearms” Chiasson was called for a trip on Bachman hauling him down to prevent yet another scoring chance by the dangerous forward at 1:45 as Sexy Pretzel couldn’t yoga or contort his way out of the path of Chiasson’s stick. Shots ended 28-13 in favor of Tuck.

In the 3rd, as I sat with the Whalen Cup recalling fond memories of our hockey patriarch Paul “Pop” Whalen and the early days of the UVHL, I saw yet another abortion of a line change by the Whalers forwards and an equally poor backcheck to boot that caused a 2-on-2 for the ever-dangerous Stickel and Carkeek for a very good scoring chance that was saved by Tucker. I’m just gonna say it. The Whalers will be better next year if they lose some of the younger, inexperienced, lazy forwards and keep to two good lines. Having 3 forward lines tonight hurt them in many ways, and not just by limiting DeNerd and Small’s ice time. Step up your game, boys. This isn’t the B-league. O’Neill put one off the Whalers’ post on the PK with Cassidy in the box for a bodycheck at 10:42. Stickel was killing the penalty off really fucking well getting possession, advancing the puck, and wasting time. However, the Whalers’ power play was not totally inept and they generated a few quality chances with the man advantage. The Whalers’ top line of McCormick-DeNard-Small was playing really well all game. In fact, they should have been out there every other shift, or at the very least matched up against the Balboni-Stickel-Carkeek line. This IS the playoffs, you know? Strategy and sacrifice matter. I think the Whalers were also hurt by the absence of defensive stalwart and grizzled veteran Jason “Salt ‘N Pepper” Yehle. There were few as good or better than Yehle defensively this season. In fact, I would only take 3 defensemen ahead of Yehle in a UVHL draft. DeNerrrd made a sweet move to go in front of the Tuck net at about 6:40. Tuck had the Whalers doubled up on shots 34-17 at the 3:15 mark. Tuck hemmed the Whalers in their own zone against the Whalers’ third line in the 3rd minute. Bachman showed his great hands knocking down a pass out of mid-air on the boards to stop a Whalers 2-on-1. Shots remained doubled up 36-18 for Tuck at the end of this 4-1 victory advancing them toe the Whalen Cup Final against the Gamblers next week.

MVP: Tuck’s Luke “Stickel With The Pointy End” led the way for Tuck with 1G, 2A, great play in all 3 zones, solid penalty killing and a very strong game. I’m gonna give the second nod to Karch “Sexy Pretzel” Bachman with the first goal of the game, being a scoring threat every shift, a heavy NHL-quality shot, and giving Tuck a legit 2nd line and depth they haven’t seen since he was last in the lineup. They are gonna be tough in the Final with Bachman back.

LVP?: Nobody sucked or cost their team the game. However, no defensive stalwart in Jason Yehle, growing pains with young players, and a lack of sacrificial strategy cost the Whalers a legit shot at any chance to upset Tuck.

POST-GAME:
Some Lumberjacks were still present at the bar as the Tuckies filed in late just in time for last call. Yablong got there first as usual and put in the requisite order to make sure the team was well fed and thirsts were quenched. The delay from the high school game almost put the kybosh on the post-game celebrations, but it all worked out just fine in the BOR-ING upper valley where everything closes early and erections go to die. I asked about the boat race from the Dartmouth Winter Carnival last weekend and the response was “Meh”. They weren’t even really sure if it happened at all. I asked if Sully or Torney made the cut and was informed that others had “some really good times” but that the beers downed certainly weren’t 12 ouncers. Hmmm… apparently there are many deft cheating techniques out there to make it go down easier and misrepresent how much beer one is chugging. I guess things have changed between generations here… cuz who would want to drink LESS beer, ya pussies? Man-up, would ya? But I jest… I think it’s hilarious that all the training and practice last Wednesday led to absolutely NOTHING. NADA. ZERO. I thought we were hockey players, eh! Those assholes who made the boat team definitely cheated! That’s our story and we’re sticking to it, right Sully?

Stickel pointed out something very important after I commented that I forgot how heavy the Whalen Cup is. He noticed how the Cup hasn’t been updated with the winners in well over a DECADE. Are you serious Kelly and Will? You cheap, lazy bastards haven’t honored the UVHL teams of the past by updating the Cup since like 2009?!?! Come on, man… Luke said that he almost took out a sharpie and wrote “TUCK” on one side of the Cup. I can’t blame him. Half of the Whalen Cups have been won by Tuck over the years, maybe more. They deserve the recognition, as do all of the Cup winners of the past. I thought we were creating a tradition here. Everyone give Park shit about this cuz he deserves it!  In your own words, Parky… that’s WEAK…

Tuck felt good about their semi-final win against the Whalers and felt like they brought a complete game for the first time in a while. Spirits and bottoms were up, and boneless wings, pretzels, mozzarella sticks and spinach artichoke dip with a proportionately large number of chips per dip was consumed. This was the first time the Whalers didn’t show, but the whole night was delayed, and they have more than enough street cred to not get any shit about it. I just missed them, that’s all… Hockey, you had me at “hello”…

So, there you have it:  Gamblers vs. Tuck in the 2023-24 Whalen Cup Final.  Flip a coin because both teams can bring their A-game and win it. It’s a special feeling to win a championship at whatever level you’re playing. This is good hockey. Anyone that is able to win this thing should be proud. I know I am.

Respectfully submitted,
McDefense, aka HKYDOC