UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Lumberjacks prepare for the Tuck Tornado

Soooo...Tuck is back and they throttled the Whalers 9-3 last week.  Without Luke "The Nuke" Stickel and Seamus "O'Nasty" O'Neil.  Aidan "Rocky" Balboni had a career night, lighting the lamp 5 times and dishing two apples.  The Whalers looked inept; allowing back door passes, odd-man rushes and missing assignments.  The Lumberjacks, unfortunately, won't be any better defensively.  

Tuck, despite playing 4 less games than most teams this season, has the top 3 scorers in Jon "The Sheik" Carkeek (25pts in 6gp), Stickel (24pts in 5gp) and Balboni (21pts in 5gp).  You would think that teams would try to play REALLY good defense when 22-12-91 are on the ice, buuuut, intelligence isn't a strong suit of most men's league players.

Sitting 5th in scoring is the Lumberjack's Jordy "McBreakaway" McGee (15pts in 8gp).  "Thrillin" Dillan Pierce is 10th(10pts in 7gp).

The real story tonight will be the Lumberjack's goaltender, Ryan "The Libido" Libbey.  Vegas is giving 2-1 odds that he will have a violent episode during or within 60 minutes after the final buzzer.  Vegas is stating that a "Violent Episode" could entail:  Snapping his stick and stabbing a defenseman, Snapping his stick and sitting on it, Flushing his center's head in the toilet, Flushing his own head in the toilet, Cup Checking a Tuckie, Cup Checking himself, Smashing the windows of a car in the parking lot, Smashing his car into the lobby of WABA, etc.  The full list can be seen on Fan Duel.  

Libbey's 4.33 gaa doesn't look great, but his team owns that stat as much as he does.  Tuck's goalie, Matty "Bet on Me" Betten is second in the UVie with a 3.00gaa, but also boasts a very good defensive team in front of him.  

With the late game, nobody knows what the Lumberjack's lineup will look like.  If I were their coach / GM, I would pack it in defensively when 22-12-91 were on the ice and pray.  Maybe make a sacrifice to the hockey gods before the game; burn a jersey, a Bobby Orr rookie card, find a virgin...something.  Ok, for legal purposes, sacrificing a virgin was a F'ing joke Jay Zanleoni!  The UVHL is not legally responsible for any actions taken by their players.

Vegas thinks this is a blowout.  Tuck by 7 goals with a 9.5 Goals Scored Over/Under.  Basically...10-3 Tuck.

Tuck Topples the Lumberjacks in UVHL Classic

As the game started there was one fan in the stands. Luke “Stickel With The Pointy End” and Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill made their returns to the ice this week after their extra long break away from Tuck and the inherently boring Dartmouth and Hanover area. I can’t blame them for staying away an extra week where there are actually fun things to do. Can you? 

Early in the 1st, there was a tangle-up in front of the Tuck net at 13:52 with 3 guys down but all arose unscathed. Stickel was looking muuuch better sporting a goatee instead of the pedophile stache he was trying to rock before the big break. It really suits you, Luke! Is that the future Mrs. Stickel special tickler? We all hope so… The shots on goal were low through the first five minutes at 4-2 in favor of the ‘Jacks. Stickel was moving well even with the time off, and O’Neill was advancing the puck from his own end to make a drop pass at the opposing blueline for a teammate. Stickel and “Rocky” Balboni connected for the first goal at 8:25. Zaneloni had a sweet neutral zone takeaway diving for the puck and taking it away from an advancing Tuckie. There were 8 Lumberjacks on the bench and 9 Tuckies, so there was lots of ice time to be had in this late contest. Shots were 10-5 for Tuck at the 6:25 mark. Zaneloni then made a nice block up high in the slot kicking a shot right out of the air. Nick Hall scored at 1:42 off a Jordan McGee wraparound attempt to tie the game at 1 apiece. It didn’t take long for Tuck to answer and the Stickel-Balboni dynamic duo notched another one into the top corner at 1:20. McGee split the Tuck D but then Nick “Ice Water” Sullivan reached back to stop McGee’s shot attempt! Shots finished 15-10 for Tuck at the end of the period and the score 2-1.

In the 2nd, Tuck hit the crossbar at 13:22. A nice tip by Stickel was saved by Libbey at about 12:39. Suddenly, it was 4-1 as Tuck scored two quick goals in a row that totally changed this close game. At 11:42 it was Ryan “Pretty Feet” Cassidy scoring from Balboni, and then at 11:30 it was Balboni from Stickel.  Tuck was outshooting the Lumberjacks badly at this point, but they weren’t dominating until the 2 quickies were scored. Tuck just waited for the right opportunities and capitalized. Fast. The ‘Jacks were playing well defensively to be perfectly honest. O’Neill continued to skate well with his head up going through 3 zones to penetrate the ‘Jacks’ defenses and end. Zaneloni got called for a trip at 7:23 but the Lumberjacks killed it off and Tuck managed 3 SOG on the PP. McGee swatted down a Yablong pass and fed linemate Nick Hall for a nice scoring chance saved by Betten. Neil McKenzie started to turn it up and cut across the net for a goal at 2:55 to narrow the lead back to 2. Late in the frame Pretty Feet Cassidy scored his second of the game from a late arriving Matt “I Haven’t Done Anything to Earn a Nickname Yet” Goff with 52 seconds left. Shots tallied were 32-17 for Tuck at the completion of the 2nd.

In the 3rd, Stickel went down HARD along the boards by the center ice red line all on his own at 14:12, but he was okay. Balboni had an open top half of the net at 13:25 from Cassidy and Stickel, who made a great pass, to make it 6-2. There was some GREAT back and forth puck pursuit and possession right after that goal, and several good plays were made by both teams! This game felt a LOT closer than 6-2… Total shots were 35-19 @ 10:20 on McKenzie’s top shelf goal to make it 6-3 on McKennzie’s second goal of the game. McKenzie then fed McGee who went in short side on Betten after beating a Tuck defender off the beautiful long lead pass by McKenzie and it was suddenly 6-4 with 8:35 to go! Goff went to the box for tripping at 6:24 and momentum was swinging the ‘Jacks’ way. Sully was stopped shorthanded by Miraldi on a 1-on-1. Then, Sully was upended at the blueline by Dillon Pierce preventing him from going in along on a shorthanded breakaway. Sully was pissed, and took an unsportsmanlike penalty shoving Pierce as he went by the penalty box as Pierce was entering for the trip negating the PP. I get why you were pissed, Sully… I would have been, too… BUT… I also would have tripped you up to stop a shorthanded breakaway as well. That’s hockey, boys! If there’s a good penalty to take, it was the one Pierce committed at 5:03. They sat in the box until the first whistle after 3:30 and there was no further animosity. However… during the original penalty to Goff, it was Balboni who got a third shorthanded chance on the PK scoring at 4:45 to make it 8-4. Libbey made another good save on another Balboni chance off a sweet pass from Stickel.  Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong jumped on a one-timer in the slot from Sully at 1:21! The strong play by McGee and McKenzie and drive to never give up was evident when McGee potted a goal with just 6 seconds left from McKenzie. Both players were noticeable in the loss and dominated at times. The final score was 9-5 for Tuck, and shots finished at 45-25 for Tuck as well.

MVP:  Balboni and Stickel had themselves a night with Balboni amassing 3G, 3A, and Stickel garnering 2G, 2A. Honorable mentions to both McKenzie (2G, 2A) and McGee (2G) in a losing cause.

LVP?:  Nobody sucked tonight or blew the game for their team. Again, the game felt a lot closer than the score indicates.

POST-GAME:
It was revealed that Jonathan Carkeek was not at the game due to the birth of he and his wife’s first child, a baby boy! Congrats, Carkeek family! That’s so special… and it’s a completely different kind of love. Soak it up! Dreamus did not make the post-game because of a long trip back from Tahoe skiing, but it was impressive he made the game and played so well with the travel fatigue. Or could it have bee to avoid Interpol on the predictable post-game libation where they set a trap for him in the parking lot? Who knows… but oh, to be young again…. I offered Cassidy to be Instagram buddies where we could share pics of pretty feet, but he would neither confirm or deny the fetish asking for proof of the pics apparently sent to Carkeek and the others from his sejour to Japan. We readily agreed that it is a “strong preference” for the both of us and exchanged 78 pics of pretty feet and toes for “future use” during “alone time”. 

The Tuckies host their annual tournament this Fri-Sat-Sun against other MBA teams, including perennial rival HBS: Harvard Business School. Apparently, all visiting teams were pre-warned about the dearth of activities after 9:00 PM in the Upper Valley where fun does to die and erections go soft. At least Applebee’s will be open until 1:00 AM on Friday and Saturday night for a little post-game gathering. I hope everyone has a good time and that there are no ER visits needed for any of the players in the tourney… except for those Harvard fucks! Right? RIIIGHT? I jest, of course. Rivalries are fun and help make the game worth playing. Who remembers a ho-hum regular season game from when you were 12 years old? No one. It’s a great tournament final or a playoff game against a rival team that you remember when your playing days are over. SOAK IT UP, BOYS! You’re only young once. I hope none of the former UVHL players on the Tuck Alumni Team pop a groin or pull a hammie in their couch potato and executive desk legs, eh… cuz that’s no fun. Don’t forget to stretch, you old fucks! Drown the pain with a few locker room beers at ‘ol Campion Rink where that best beer of the week can STILL be officially consumed. Cheers!

Respectfully submitted, 

McDefense, aka HKYDOC