UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Lumberjacks look to turn season around against Whalers.

The Whalers and Lumberjacks have faced off twice this year, and both games couldn't have been more drastically different.  On opening night the Lumberjacks throttled the Whalers 6-0, as the Whalers looked completely lost and unprepared for the speed of the UVHL.  Just over one month later, the Whalers returned the favor as they embarrassed the Lumberjacks 10-0 in one of Jordy "McBreakaway" McGee's worst games of his hockey career.  McGee was minus 11 on the night and was heard yelling at his team in the locker room after the game..."You guys suck, just f'ing terrible.  We have one rule on the Lumberjacks, get Jordy the damn puck.  Jordy scores, you guys give Jordy the puck.  Jordy is the f'ing man, the pilot, the bus driver.  You are just passengers.  You're all put on waivers."

The Lumberjack's woes continued the next game with an 8-3 loss to the Gamblers before bouncing back with a 7-1 win over the Mustangs last week...but note that the Whalers lent two players to the Lumberjacks in the win, Ean "Big E" Small & Scotty "Too Hotty" Christian.

The Whalers have been a new team in 2023-24 after finishing dead last in 2022-23.  The addition of Dan "Darth" VeNard(2g & 6a) and Ean Small(5g & 3a) have brought speed, skill and poise to the Whaler's bench while the return of Jason "yippee ki yay" Yehle to the blue line has been grounding for the Whalers.

Their young guys are starting to understand old man hockey and their goalie Tucker "That Dirty F*cker" Garrity-Hanchett has returned to his pre-covid form.

The Lumberjacks are skilled up front for sure with McGee(11 points in 6 games), Dillan "Fierce"  Pierce (7 points) & Neil "The Real Deal" MacKenzie(6pts).  On the back end they're led by the massive Marc "The Narc" Gattie and Evan "The Mattress King" Seely.  Their goaltending hasn't been great, but not a weakness at all as Ryan "The Liberator" Libbey hasn't had much help this season.

While Vegas thinks these two teams are on opposite trajectories, they also don't think this will be a blowout.  Whalers are favored by 2 goals, this should be a good one.

Whalers Take Shootout Win Over Lumberjacks.

Again, I must apologize to the players and fans in attendance for this game as I could not get the music working. The connections and settings were left in disarray and no matter what I tried it wouldn’t work whether it was my Spotify, a CD, or the radio, nothing was coming out of the system to the speakers. Sorry about that, eh. So, just like in the early game, this one started with only the sounds of hockey… skating, pucks banging, sticks smacking and the faint sounds of whining from somebody somewhere…

In the 1st,the first 6 shots were all Lumberjacks, but the Whalers did hit the post once. Whalers forward Ean “It’s Not Really” Small had a bad missed net from the slot at 11:03. Kelly “Big Toe” Park was soooo LAZY on a puck retrieval under pressure coming back in the neutral zone leaving it for his D partner, Chuck Gaede, hanging him out to dry on the play. Was it your swollen L big toe, Park? We all know that talent skips a generation, but gout doesn’t… However, Park looked almost as “fast” as usual when it came to entering the O-zone to join the play or skate with the puck. Trust me, Chuck. I know what it feels like to be hung out to dry by Parky as his D partner… and I jest, of course, cuz he really is one of the smartest hockey players I’ve ever played with. It had to be the gout… The Whale didn’t generate their first SOG until 8:53. Scottie Shaw fed Jared LaBelle on a 2-on-1 and LaBelle missed the net wide L from the hash marks… one job… The ‘Jacks hit the post at 6:22 and at 6:12 the Whale got their 2nd SOG on a weak trickler that eventually made it to the net off a Whalers stick from a poke check by a Lumberjacks defender. A NOICE shot by the Whalers made it to the net at 5:25 and Libbey made a tight save with the attacker in close. Shots were 9-3 for the ‘Jacks at 5:00. Jason “Salt ‘n Pepper” Yehle sporting his brand new #7 jersey cleaned up the mess in the neutral zone after teammate Brandon Chiasson lost the puck at the blueline. The Whalers missed another shot over the net… one job… Tim Patten went to the Lumberjacks box for a hook at 2:37 but the Whalers came up short on the PP. Jordan McGee had a 2-on-1 vs. Park and missed the net, but Park was once again slow to pivot and skate… swollen big toe and all. A good passing play between “Big” Ean Small and Dan “DeNerd” DeNard finished with a good shot from the point by Small. The refs missed a call and Nico Brands was tackled on a shorthanded chance before the penalty was up. Bentley “WTF Is A” Boonyaharn had a partial breakaway, but only got off a weak shot towards the blocker of Libbey that might have missed the net. Shots finished 9-6 for the Lumberjacks in this scoreless period.

The second period saw “The Fantastic” Dan Fenton score early at 14:28 from Jason Spaulding, and then “Big” Ean Small put one in up high at 13:07 from Dan “De Nerd” De Nard and Jason “Old Man” Yehle and suddenly the Whalers were up 2-0. The Lumberjacks answered less than a minute later from the point at 12:16 when Ryan “Fresh” Frisch made it a game fed by Jordan “Be Like Mike” McGee. Brands got in a shot tight that was deflected high and out of play by Tucker in the Whalers net at 11:21. Fenton had another chance with a backhander up high kept out of the ‘Jacks net on a nice save by Libbey. Chiasson went to the box lamenting the call at 10:06 for the Whalers and the ‘Jacks couldn’t get a SOG on the PP, but Small did miss a nice shorthanded backhander while on the PK. Aidan Boonyaharn made a great deke but couldn’t quite get off a shot on goal on the backhand drag. Tucker made a nice save on a 2-on-0 after Gaede lost the puck in his skates at the hash marks to keep his team up 2-1. McGee took offense to something that I did not see and was getting physical with Chiasson behind the Whalers net, but there was not call on the play. Small had a really nice give ‘n go with James “Sweet Spice” McCormick, I believe, and then Park made a nice interception in the slot in the Whalers end on a Lumberjacks pass to an open player looking to pounce. The ‘Jacks brought on a barrage of shots and chances late in the period with their 3rd shot on net going in at 1:37 as LaBelle Balls scored from the Ageless Scottie Shaw. It’s a good thing this is a contact but non-checking league because Fenton made a suicide pass in the neutral zone right to Spaulding... cuz it could have been lights out. This exciting 4-goal period finished 2-2 and total shots 24-12 in favor of the ‘Jacks.

Early in the 3rd, Tucker made a nice blocker save on Lumberjacks captain Jay Zaneloni, and then a shot went off Tucker’s head and out of play at 14:18. Zaneloni was going to the net well and is so hard to move in front. He set up a screen in front for his teammates to get a shot, but this one was saved by Tucker. Teddy ‘The Mothman” Pupilla put one high into the net over Libbey at 11:58 from teammate and defender Brandon Chiasson to go up 3-2 on just the 13th shot of the game for the Whalers. Yehle went to the box for a trip at 10:19 and then off-setting roughing minors found Nico Brands and Dan DeNard joining him at 9:49. Small got off a wicked shorthanded shot that was just tipped wide by Libbey’s blocker. Zaneloni set up shop in his office with the man advantage and tipped one in past Tucker on the PP at 8:33 to tie it up at 3-3 from Dillan Pierce and Scottie Shaw. Pierce had a really nice rush for a good shot on Tucker but LaBelle couldn’t quite shovel in the rebound.  At 6:54, Small continued his strong play with another rush and a hard shot on Libbey. Yet again, at 6:12, it was Small getting another great chance and Libbey jussst got his arm on the shot to put it wide… Aidan Boonyaharn fell backwards all by his lonesome practically right in front of me in the neutral zone, and I could have sworn that I heard someone yell “Man down!”, but AB was okay on the play. Defensive wonder Jason Yehle made a nice stick play on a dangerous McGee pass in front to stop the Lumberjacks’ advance. Chiasson missed the ‘Jacks net on a 2-on-1… even defensemen have one job, Chiasson. All of this action happened in the 4th minute and this was getting exciting. Libbey had to come out of the net to play the puck after it hopped over Pierce’s stick at the far blue line making its way all the way back into the Lumberjacks zone. Libbey then made 2 good saves on the re-entry by the Whalers. A nice read and interception by DeNard with a great pass to McCormick was NOT sweet, as McCormick missed the net with an easy open shot in the slot late in the period. Pierce iced the puck with just 1:04 to go and Libbey had to make 2 great saves to keep it tied 3-3 at the end of regulation. Shots finished 30-24 for the Lumberjacks before it went to a shootout.

SHOOTOUT:

The Whalers were the home team and opted to go second.

Nico Brands went in on Tucker from the L side but Tucker made a L pad save.

Ean Small came in on the backhand and Libbey made a sprawling R pad save.

Jared LaBelle missed the net to Tucker’s glove side.

Teddy Pupilla approached with a shot that beat Libbey inside the post to the blocker side.

The Lumberjacks needed to score to keep the shootout alive, and Jordan McGee came in on Tucker unleashing a wrister that was saved by the glove.

WHALERS WIN 4-3 in a shootout!

MVP? Teddy “The Mothman” Pupilla had the game tying and game winning goals for the Whalers. ‘Nuff said! Honorable mentions to both goalies who had strong games at both ends of the rink.

LVP? I can’t pin any one thing or fuck up on anybody that cost the team a game or was a brutal play. 

POST-GAME:
It’s not like I was expecting anyone to come out after the game either with the Tuckies out of town except for Fenton and Pupilla anyway. So, there’s no further need to bust balls for an absolutely pathetic UVHL post-game culture circa 2023-24. Pupilla had a final the next day so he understandably had to bow out. However…ONE FANTASTIC AND HARD CORE GUY showed up and that was “The Fabulous and Fantastic” Dan Fenton, who proceeded to match me boneless buffalo wing for boneless buffalo wing and diet Pepsi for diet Pepsi at Applebee’s post-game. I did bury Fenton on celery and ranch dressing, but to his credit he’s not really a celery guy. It occurred to me while at the bar talking to Fenton that the big reason guys are staying in the locker rooms is 100% because we’ve moved to Hartford this year. The rules were different in Woodstock since that little Canadian prick Vic tried to throw me under the bus and blame the UVHL for the out of hand post-game shit back at Union Arena all those years ago (that was really the B-league’s fault). Fuck you, Vic, wherever you are, you asshole hypocrite. I was always embarrassed how you’d tell everyone that you were Canadian and would give me a bad name with your behavior and shitty superior attitude. God bless America and God bless the WABA because it has given the UVie new life and new freedom. As long as that isn’t abused let the good times roll, boys!

Respectfully submitted,

McDefense, aka HKYDOC