THE

UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Gamblers
Tuck
1st
2
2
2rd
0
2
3rd
1
0
FINAL
3
4
Shots
35
38
November 15th, 2023 - 9:20PM
WABA - White River Junction, VT
Pre-Game
Recap
Box Score
Discussion
Game ID: 1454

Tuck Outlasts the G-Men in Tight Game.




So, I have to call myself out as the dinosaur that I am. It took me this long into the season to FINALLY get the 100+ song UVHL playlist I made on Spotify to actually work during a game. The first night I returned as scorekeeper I was able to get the radio to broadcast through the arena speakers. Some Tuckies recalled a commercial or two and some country music being on during a face off that night. The second week I was able to get some old UVHL CD’s that I made 12+ years ago to work without knowing what song was coming up next. I coulda been AC/DC, it coulda been Bruce Springsteen… I had no fucking clue. The next two nights I was I the scorekeeper’s box I knew which CD’s were better and where some of the good hockey rockin’ songs were. I’m such a dinosaur and when I bought my latest new car, a very sexy 2021 Honda HR-V, it didn’t have a CD player. I was baffled by what I was supposed to do. A decade plus of mixed CD’s that I made and loved were suddenly obsolete. I asked around for a few months, both patients and friends alike, to see what they did I their cars without the tried-and- true rhythms, rocks and beats of my beloved CD’s. The majority recommended Spotify. I tried it and I was quickly sold. Fast forward to this UVHL season. I was super excited to return as scorekeeper. I was pumped to make the music my own and vowed never to play “Clap Your Hands” by MC Hammer, any organ music, “The Macarena” and especially not the goal song my stupid Maple Leafs used for the past SIX years: “Makin’ My Dreams Come True” by Hall and Oates. VOMIT. I have heard that drivel ad nauseum on every Auston Matthews, Michael Nylander, John Tavares and Mitch Marner goal for years. There were even petitions to “Stop the Song” going around Leafs Nation it was so bad for soooo long. Why add insult to injury to the Leafs’ losing ways in the playoffs (until last year, fuckers!) by torturing us with THAT song? In any case, the technology finally worked as Kelly Park got me the proper adapter for my Android and 3 weeks, two UVHL nights, later the new and improved UVHL playlist made its debut! I’m asking all of you UVHLers and our 4 fans to give me feedback as to what songs you want to hear for warm-ups, between puck drops, between periods and between games. I want it to ROCK, but I also want suggestions of fun, party songs, too, so please let me know and pop by the scorebox sometime. This old dinosaur has finally made it to 2023, for Android-Spotify music at least. And now, onto the game…

The first period started off fast with two quick goals, one for each team. I had barely stopped scratching my balls when Tuck potted one just 25 seconds into the game with Jonathan “I Don’t Need No Shoulder Pads You Pussies” Carkeek solving Evan Cline in the Gamblers net assisted by Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill at 14:35 The Gamblers answered just 19 seconds later at 14:16 when power forward Matt Marrazzo snuck one past Jenkins Marshall, “The Other Tuck Goalie” as he announced himself to me pre- game, assisted by Luke Dreary #77, I think, because he was reported to me as #71 and there ain’t no 71 on the G’s. Kelly will have the all the correct stats on the website so you can check it out there. I’m going by me game notes and the actual scoresheet as I do the write-ups not only because I’m a dinosaur, but because it’s an authentic feel as I saw the game I person and how it was reported to me live. I’ve said it before… WE LOVE HOCKEY. Kelly takes his own time to go through the game on Live Barn to give you klunks not only the true and accurate stats, but game highlights, too! He’s fuckin’ crazy, and he’s Kelly “Fuckin’” Paaark! Here we are only 44 seconds into the game and I’m already on a tangent and a rant, eh. This was a fast game early and both teams were flying. Cline made a GREAT point blank save on 2 Tuckies that were left alone in front. Tuck scored again to go up 2-1 at 12:39 by #14 and Luke “Stickel With The Pointy End”. Again… there ain’t no 14 on Tuck so I don’t know who it was, but Kelly will have it right either by highlight or in the game stats. And for the record… Stickel needs the pointy end of a razor on that stache he’s trying to rock. I could give a shit if its Movember or Halloween, it ain’t workin’. Do they like those in Patagonia over your 5-week break, Luke? Are you expecting to give some pretty Latinas a moustache ride? You’ve just barely got Kelly “Babyface” Park beat for a half-grown stache. Either start driving a panel van and try not to get caught within 100 yards of a school or shave that fuckin’ thing off. The start to this game was so fast that I couldn’t keep up with the game clock, music or game notes, so apologies that I missed a few things. I noted good skating, passing, shot attempts, blocks, and stick checks by both teams. Another thing I noticed, as mentioned above, was that Carkeek wasn’t wearing any shoulder pads. I think this is my 5th game into the season and I just saw this now. He wasn’t even wearing any Brendan Shanahan tear-aways underneath. Tuck’s Karch Bachman missed the net for the second time and an O’Neill advance was shut down by the ageless Will Meyer who showed his complete 200’ game once again. The Gamblers tied it up 2 apiece at 8:07 when the fast-skating Max Woods scored with assists going to Spencer “Kings Hawaiian” Zaha and defender extraordinaire Ryan Bergeron. Shots were 16-10 in favor of Tuck at the end of the first. 

In the 2nd , Cline made a great save on Stickel as he cut across the front of the net at 12:34. Not to be undone, Marshall made a fantastic glove save on a Gamblers shot from the slot at 11:30. Tuck’s Nick Sullivan showed his eye-hand coordination batting the puck down out of mid-air to beat a defender and make a good shot on goal. This was a very tactical game being played by both teams. It was fast enough that it seemed they all had to think 2 passes ahead. Cline made two solid saves in succession and then Tuck hit the post to keep it at 2-2. Cline then made a sweet R pad save on Bachman who was generating shot attempts all fuckin’ night, this one as Bachman sped across the goalmouth. Tuck’s go-ahead goal at 5:00 was on a nice shot into the top L corner over the blocker shoulder of Cline by Nick “The Trick” Sullivan assisted by Matt Goff. Carkeek made an exceptional pass from his side of the blueline to a streaking Stickel who made a great catch near the opposite blueline to see Stickel find the net at 3:44. The score was 4-2 and this was a well-played and exciting game by both squads. Webster was sent to the Gamblers’ penalty box at 3:24 for a trip and the first penalty of the game. Fast and clean, like a $300 hooker, was the theme of this one on a Wednesday night at the WABA in Hartford, VT. On the PK Marrazzo had a great shorthanded chance and individual effort to get a good, hard shot on net. Tuck did not generate a shot on net during their man advantage, but a few missed nets on shot attempts towards the Gamblers’ goal made their way in that direction. Shots ended 27- 18 for Tuck as the 2nd period finished.

In the 3 rd , Woods played some nice D on Stickel shutting down a 1-on-1 at 13:41. There were good battles both ways and good plays in all 3 zones. This is what a UVHL game should be! At 12:13 the Gamblers got it to a 1-goal game with Woods making good from linemate Zaha. The Gamblers Luke “One Nut?” Webster made a sliding blocked shot potentially sacrificing his nut(s) on yet another fantastic defensive play in this tight game. You were wearing a cup, right, Luke? The Gamblers attacked the other way on a 2-on-1 with Woods and Topo Lacroix getting a good scoring chance denied by Marshall. The Gamblers were pushing and the shot totals were catching up now at 28-24 still in Tuck’s favor. Matt “Power Forward” Marrazzo made a legit NHL level cut all the way across the front of Tuck’s net with speed and power reminiscent of Cam Neely and Peter Forsberg. I’m fuckin’ serious! I couldn’t tell if a shot was generated because of all the falling bodies in Marrazzo’s wake. At the other end Cline kept giving his team a chance with a nice L shoulder save. Not to pick on him, but Bachman missed the net for at least the 5th time, but to his credit he was under pressure and was getting shot attempts aaalll night. Bachman was noticeable tonight skating well and getting the chances whether they hit the net or not. Cline stopped a scoring chance with a sneaky and well-timed poke check with 5:33 to go and the score still 4-3 Tuck. Woods was just flying for the Gamblers and had a great shift culminating with him being denied by Marshall on a wrap-around attempt. Soon afterwards Marshall made yet another great save. This game could have easily been tied at this point. The Gamblers were making a surge and Tuck was holding them at bay for now. Shots were 33-31 for Tuck with just 2:45 to go. Topo made a good effort penetrating the zone on a 1-on-3 but there was no help whatsoever from any of his Gamblers teammates leaving him alone in the O-zone. He's only one man, for fuck’s sake! Tuck took an undisciplined late penalty with the 1-goal lead at 1:04 with Goff going to the box for a trip.

The Gamblers went for it and pulled the goalie like it was a Saturday night home alone with great internet speed to give themselves a 2-man advantage for the remainder of the contest. They got 1 SOG and Tuck defended well and this one remained 4-3 for Tuck and shots 34-32 as time ran out.

MVP? Both goalies stood out in this one but it was Tuck’s Jenkins Marshall who eventually got the win in a 29 save effort. Max Woods played a strong game in the loss for the Gamblers scoring 2 out of their 3 goals and was still skating like the wind after reffing the previous game by himself for almost half the game. Post-game MVP was clearly Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong with details on that forthcoming.

LVP?  Clearly not Tuck because they showed up post-game big time. More on that later. There were absolutely no bad players in this competitive chess match of a game. I will call out the Gamblers this week for not showing up at Applebee’s post-game, but they did show up the week before so it’s really only an honorable mention for LVP this week. Great game by both teams!

POST-GAME
Now this was a fun night. Tuck was all but finished and going on a 5-week break after today so 8 of them were at Applebee’s. Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong showed up first and we were able to catch up and talk hockey before the rest of the team arrived. Jon Carkeek was next and I confirmed the no shoulder pads thing. He’s just so thick up top it wasn’t really noticeable for some reason until tonight. Right, you beast? The rest of the gang filed in and our bartender and hostess extraordinaire, Lexi, had the tables all put together for the crew ahead of time. She’s really making the extra effort to be there for us post-game, guys, so if you do go, please show her your appreciation. The responsible post-game 20 oz. Brewtus beer drinkin’, half-price appetizers, hockey talk, in-game NHL betting, jokes and stories ensued. I asked about the Tuck athletic budget for a jersey upgrade and the guys revealed that they got basically nothing from the administration to fund their A team. I was surprised, and when they told me that all they get annually is $1,200.00 to $1,400.00 to fund the tournament they host I was kinda pissed. The guys fund their entire program except for the Tripods. I’m calling out the Tuck business school administration for being a bunch of cheap ass MBA misers. You can’t even fund the team 50% and have a plethora of Tuck jerseys waiting for the incoming squad each season? Boo. Bad form. What? Are your 401k’s more important than your student athletes? FAH-Q. As the conversations went on, I asked about the music tonight and if it was it better than it had been. Fuckin’ right it was, they said! The Tuckies really liked a lot of the 3rd period tunes when I went from mostly rock and played some old dance and beat classics like Hot In Herre, Whoomp! There It Is, Strike It Up, Get Ready and Who Let the Dogs Out. As I mentioned earlier, if you guys want certain songs just let me know, eh! One Tuckie suggested that I look up the NHL 2003 playlist so I added a few and appreciate the recommendation. I also learned that it’s the 2nd year Tuck students that really get a 5-week break at this time and the 1st years are around for most of it doing projects and what not until closer to Christmas. Who knew? We all just thought Dartmouth fucked us all shutting down for 5 weeks killing the downtown Hanover economy and causing many restaurants and businesses to close without the holiday traffic. I get why they did it for themselves… that’s easy to understand. It’s just that the decision was ALL about themselves with no regard for the community they insularly exist in. But I digress… Next was another kind ask about my cruise with my lady love two weeks earlier. Matt “Pinot Grigio” Oulette asked me “So how was sexy time on the cruise, McDefense?” I reiterated that it was AWSEOME, and that she had her BEST ORGASM EVER on the cruise, and that we topped it two days later. BOOM. Big laughs and “No way’s!” were heard all around and a new nickname was shouted: “McSelfless!” Hey… I guess I proudly earned those stripes. What I neglected to tell them was that I wasn’t in the room at the time… (joke, but I couldn’t resist). We got back on the topic of music and I shared a little story about my little darling daughter who had a famous quote one time while she was in high school at a Tampa Bay Lightning game with me. At Amalie Arena they have this 7-layer organ and the guy that plays it often has his hands showing on the big screen masterfully manipulating the keys up-down, left-right, in-and-out. My daughter leans over to me after that and whispers into my ear: “He fingered a girl once… and she DIED!” Oh, my darling hockey playing child… Daddy raised you right and is SO proud... I loved you just a little bit more when you said that. Needless to say, there were great laughs at one of her most famous quotes. So, a few of the 2nd year Tuckies, Stickel "With The Pointy End" and "The Dreamus", are heading on an adventure for their break where they do some fancy MBA shit in South America but then end up in Patagonia for a while. That sounds exciting, guys! I hope you have a great time in every way and don’t forget to wear a condom. Yablong had to go home early and had earlier confessed to me that he is an early riser and gets up at the butt crack of dawn to exercise. He freely admitted that he loses sleep every Wednesday night to come out to the bar with the guys post game. Mikey… you’re my MVP. You had me at “Hello.” If you can come out then the rest of the league can too, sometimes at least. This looks good on you, bro. You get like 4 hours of sleep Wed night and are up and at it before everyone else with your dedication to excellence. Boom. Fuck yeah. And let’s not forget that when he showed up early, he ordered for the whole team so it would be ready or on the way by the time they got there. Now THAT’S a teammate. As we were finishing up, talk about dinosaur… the Tuckies split their one team bill with Venmo and shit back to the teammate whose turn it was to pay and I was completely baffled. Thank goodness they were able to figure it out easily because if they didn’t, they should ask for their student loan money and tuition back. This was a great UVHL night and a great post-game gathering. This is what it’s all about! Good hockey and good times. I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving with your families and loved ones, share the UVHL write-ups uncensored, and we will see the rest of you losers from the other 4 teams that didn’t make it out to Applebee’s on the 29 th . I had better not be the only one there, fuckers!

Respectfully submitted,
McDefense, aka HKYDOC, AND McSelfless, baby!!

LEAGUE PICK 'EM
 0%
Gamblers
0% 
Tuck
0 PICKS
THREE STARS

Jenkins Marshall

GA: 3
SAVES: 32
SAVE%: 0.914

Max Woods

GOALS: 2
POINTS: 2

Jonathan Carkeek

GOALS: 1
POINTS: 2

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