UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

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Tao Smith BLOWS.........kisses to girlfriend in the stands

This would have been a UVHL classic......if it weren't for Nordiques captain Tao "Loverboy" Smith blowing kisses to his girlfriend in the stands. Several witnesses have come forth in the days following the incident to confess that they were witness to such atrocities of the ice. One such witness was quoted as saying "It was a disgusting display of public affection, I vomited in my mouth TWICE......and two days later I can still taste it."

Another witness said, "it may have been the sweetest, cutest thing I have seen at a hockey rink. That is if sweet makes you dry heave incessantly and then want to take a bath and scrub down your skin because you feel like you have bugs all over it."

A third person who may or may not have been reffing the game said, "If I had a stick, or a gun, or snowball or a nuclear weapon........I would have hit Tao with it. I couldn't even pay attention to the game. Tao was drooling all over himself, and seemed as if he had a hand inside his jock strap."

This distraction may have hurt the Nordiques chances of winning this game, or at least that is the excuse that this "writer" is going to use. Regardless, there was a hockey game being played out there, and Tuck showed up with a gameplan......to not suck anymore. Their top line wasn't all there, but all they needed was Adam "Preying" Mantin, who amassed a point on all 5 of his teams goals tonight. Not to be outdone, the Nordiques put together a top line of their own with Roger "Dodger" Phillips, Jordan "McMuffin" McGee & Gregory "The Butcher of Guelph" Marsh. Phillips added 3 goals, and the line put together an 8 point night to help the Nords jump out to an early lead.

Tuck was the first to break through at 6:52 when Takashi "Mitsubishi" Mikoshiba made a perfect drop pass to Mantin. Mantin then did a magic trick to the puck, making it look like an overcooked buffalo wing to lure Shawn "McFatso" to him, and then dished the puck to Mikey "Nair" Adair streaking down the slot. Adair either quickly redirected the puck or was trying to catch it and accidentally redirected it off the far post and in. Rodger "The Dirty Dentist" Phillips tied the game up on a cross ice BULLET pass from the near boards at center ice. Phillips stormed down the far boards, cut around a defenseman and somehow snuck the puck past that fuck, Fitzy.

Doing the scorekeeping tonight was Gregory "No Nuts" Hadley, who did some recorded audio of the entire game as Jack Edwards, Andy Brickley and Heidi Watney.

"Well Brick, what do you think of the game so far...."(As Edwards)

"I'll tell you what Jack, Kelly Park suck dog balls. Well we're glad to see Heidi Watney with us in the booth with us for the second period, Heidi What did you think so far?" (As Brickley)

(Girl's Voice) "Ahhhhh, my pussy stinks and it hurts really bad." (As Heidi Watney)

"No say it ain't so....Brick is that Pam Anderson in the stands tonight?" (As Edwards)

"Yeah, holy moly, what a sweet set of tits she has. You'd like to hit that wouldn't ya?" (As Brick)

"Oh of course I would, Of course I would" (As Edwards)

And it went on and on like that.

END OF THE FIRST: Tuck 1, Nordiques 1
SAVES: Fitzy(TCK) 10, Turner(NDQ) 5

Poli Nightingale had a hell of a night as "he was like a squirrel trying to get a nut, he was all over the ice tonight." The Nords jumped ahead with 10:26 to play as Jordan "McBreakaway" McGee jumped on a Tuck turnover and snuck behind the defense. "I think the only reason that goal went in was because Kelly Park WAS NOT on the ice" said Hadley. Tuck tied the game at 8:42 when Mantin stole the puck off of a Jordan McGee and tucked it under John "Mental Problems" Turner right between his tickle button. "We're halfway through the 2nd period and I have to tell you that John 'Red Light" Turner is not looking on top of his game right now, he just had a nice little bobble and had a tough time getting up after it." (Hadley) Phillips added his 2nd of the night to put the Nords up 3-2 from McGee who was trying to make up for his earlier blunder. The 2nd half of the period was back and forth without any penalties or red lights to show for it. "Ya know Brick, I don't think we've mentioned Shawn "Blue Cheese" McDermott tonight, I haven't really seen much from him tonight......but it looks like he'll be due for some blue cheese tonight, so we'll keep an eye on him tonight." (As Edwards) "Mitsubishi" Mikoshiba tied the game up with only 38 seconds to play from Mantin & McGovern. The Nord's weren't about to end the period there, as they broke the puck out from behind their own net as Park hit Nightingale on the near boards. Nightingale then quickly found Tao "Captain Turnover" cutting through their zone and heading up ice. Smith threw two moves at center ice that confused EVERYONE including the refs, scorekeepers, rats & even himself before crossing Tuck's blueline with 20 seconds to play. Smith was heading to the corner and threw a no-look gretzky like pass back to the high slot where Poli "Wan Canoli" Nightingale one timed a LAZOR past fitzgerald to put the Nords up 4-3 with 17 seconds to go in the second period.

"Well Brick what did you think about that 2nd period?" (As Edwards)

"Well Jesus Jiminy Crickets, I can't believe it was two tucks apiece. Two tucks for the Nords and two tucks for the Tucks. Back and forth play, good solid play, a couple of miscues there from some guy, somebody I can't remember, but we go into the 3rd period with a 4-3 lead for the Nords, but that lead is not safe." (As Brick)

"I would just like to comment on The Big Lebowski(Crapser), who must have fallen down 15 times tonight.....Drew "I can't crap in my pants anymore because my diaper is full" Crapser." (As that jackass Hadley)

END OF THE 2ND: Nordiques 4, Tuckeroooooooooski 3
SAVES: Turner(NDQ) 15, Fitsimmons(Tuck) 14

The Nordiques opened up the scoring in the 3rd period as "The Dentist Drill" Phillips tallied his hat trick and controlled the first 3 minutes of the first period. Tuck bounced right back on a Nate "The Turner Burner" Berner, as he fired a quick shot past the gaping and soggy crotch of Turner with 10:50 to play. It was uncharacteristic for Turner to open up the 5-hole as "It is usually an area that he usually closes down like an absolute 14 year old......future stripper." (Hadley) It was around this time that Hadley witnessed the despicable act from Dawn & Tao....."I think I just witnessed Tao Smith blowing kisses to the future Mrs. Smith from the red line.......this is UNAPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR from the head of school at Killington Mountain.....I might even have to resign after shit like that goes down."

The game continued to be back and forth, until the first penalty of the game came with Johnny "McRoughing" McGee as he "tried to rough someone up, but couldn't rough up a mouse if he really wanted to." (Hadley) The Nords expertly killed off that penalty, but Tuck's Mikoshiba added his 2nd of the night with 6:11 to play from Adair & Mantin. The remainder of the period had two more penalties, one for Adair & Park's first penalty of the season for tripping. Neither team could capitalize on the powerplay and regulation ended in a 5-5 tie.

END OF REGULATION: Nordiques 5, Tuck 5
SAVES: Turner(NDQ) 23, Fitzy(TCK) 23

The Nordiques decided to let Tuck shoot first:

Tuck sent out Mikoshiba who was on FIRE and he fired a quick wrister up over the fat and slow glove of Turner for the GOAL.

The Nords sent out veteran Shawn "McPear Shaped Loser" McDermott. McDermott rolled down the left side of the slot and fired a quick snapper off the outside of the post....NO GOAL.

Tuck tried to end it by sending out Drew "The Craponator" Crapser in, and Crapser stuck it to his old team by firing a quick snapper past the low blocker of Turner's slow and fat OTHER arm. GOOOOOOOAL

The Nords then went with Jordan McGee who was STUFFED 5-HOLE...NO GOAL

 

Team:	Time:	Type:	Player:	Details:
1st PERIOD
TCK	06:52	Goal	Adair, Mike(1)	Assist(s): Mantin, Adam(13) Mikoshiba, Takashi(1)
NDQ	05:07	Goal	Phillips, Roger(8)	Assist(s): Marsh, Greg(10) Park, Kelly(10)
2nd PERIOD
NDQ	10:26	Goal	McGee, Jordan(10)	Assist(s): none
TCK	08:42	Goal	Mantin, Adam(18)	Assist(s): none
NDQ	07:21	Goal	Phillips, Roger(9)	Assist(s): McGee, Jordan(14) Marsh, Greg(11)
TCK	00:38	Goal	Mikoshiba, Takashi(2)	Assist(s): Mantin, Adam(14) McGovern, Ryan(7)
NDQ	00:17	Goal	Nightingale, Poli(1)	Assist(s): Smith, Tao(6) Park, Kelly(11)
3rd PERIOD
NDQ	11:52	Goal	Phillips, Roger(10)	Assist(s): McGee, Jordan(15)
TCK	10:58	Goal	Berner, Nate(2)	Assist(s): Mantin, Adam(15)
TCK	08:52	Penalty	Crapser, Drew(2)	2 minutes for Roughing
TCK	06:11	Goal	Mikoshiba, Takashi(3)	Assist(s): Crapser, Drew(1) Mantin, Adam(16)
TCK	04:22	Penalty	Adair, Mike(4)	2 minutes for Interference
NDQ	02:26	Penalty	Park, Kelly(1)	2 minutes for Tripping
SHOOTOUT
NDQ	1	McDermott, Shawn		SAVE BY Ryan Fitzgerald
TCK	2	Mikoshiba, Takashi		GOAL Scored on John Turner
NDQ	3	McGee, Jordan		SAVE BY Ryan Fitzgerald
TCK	4	Crapser, Drew		GOAL Scored on John Turner

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Game Comments:
kpark Quechee, VT Registered: Dec 2003 Posts: 724	Guaranteed WIN! Jan 12th, 2009 09:54 PM I'm going to say this will be a guaranteed win for the Nordiques if Drew "The Craponator" Crapser plays for Tuck tonight. I'm also going to guarantee that I turn the puck over at LEAST 8 times & McDermott will clear out the entire defensive end with one of his SIGNATURE buffalo wing farts. KP
hkydoc WRJ, VT Registered: Jan 2004 Posts: 517	Where's the rest, Park? Jan 19th, 2009 09:50 PM C'mon Park! Finish the write-up already dammit!