UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

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Brewers DESTROY LOWLY NORDS 7-1 to advance to the FINALS.

Round 1, game 1.......Nordiques at the Brewery. It looked as though the Nordiques had been drinking some old, putrid Long Trail out of a mud puddle behind the dump. The Brewers on the other hand were fantastic. Nick "The Prick, No-Pass, Dr. McSelfish" Bayley led the with 4 goals and an ASS-LUCKY assist. Other contributions came from Sean "Breakaway" McCabe (1g, 1a) who scored his FIRST breakaway goal since 1983, when he was playing shinny hockey by himself and put the puck lower left corner on a shooter tutor. But in Sean's defense, that was one of those OLD 80's shooter tutors with the REALLY SCARY looking goalie on it. NICELY DONE SEANY!!! Joey "Stink Eye" Lyle added a goal and an assist and Christian "The Uni-Bomber" Isaac contributed with 2 helpers on the night. Oh, and THA MAN, Alfonse "Fonzarelli" Sorrentino threw yet another goal past the Nord's Johnny "Bitter Old Goalie" Turner causing Turner to end his season and declare that he would not be showing up for the final game of the season because he had to was going hang himself in his garage that night.

The NorLeafs night could be summed up with Kelly "Turnover" Park being minus 9, Johnny Turner letting in 8 softies, Sean "PMS" Casavant's bloody tampon fell out in the first minute of play, Greg "The Butcher......no, really, he's a butcher" Marsh could only drink 15 beers after the game. Shawn "The Blue Cheese Factory" McDermott vomited his precious barrel of wings before the game. Joey "The Mute" Hayes actions on the ice were as loud as his words. Ian "Snaggletooth" Coates physically teleported out of the rink in the 2nd period & "Monster" Chuck Gaede's stilts broke.

Despite the horrific outcome of the game for the Nordiques, they actually RAN GAME on the Brew Crew for the first 10 minutes of the first period, and in typical Maple Leaf fashion, tired themselves out way too early. Bartline was excellent in the first, turning away 10 Nordiques shots including a point blank cross crease pass to Tao "Man-Love" Smith, where Barty shut his GAPING 5-HOLE door just in time. That 10 minutes of goal-less glory was short lived for the Nords when Bayley scored his first of four at 5:15 from Isaac. Isaac cut into the zone 2 on 1 with Bayley against the slowest man on the ice, Park. Isaac could have easily skated around that useless pilon in white, but tried his typical toe drag to the slot, but Park easily poke checked it away. Unfortunately for the Nordiques, that poke check landed right on the stick of Bayey heading to the near boards. Isaac took Park to the far post, allowing Bayley to walk in front, made a quick move to the far post and went upper corner, glove side on Turner who was down in a butterfly. Park definitely fucked that one up, thinking that Bayley may ACTUALLY pass the puck was a mistake, and shouldn't have let him walk into the slot like that.

The Brewers continued to pressure from that point on and everything the NorLeafs tried to do was futile. Sean "Slick" McCabe put the Brewers up 2-0 only 59 seconds later when he took a Brian "Slash" Walsh breakaway pass on the far boards. Mccabe rushed down the far boards and started to angle towrds the net as some voices from the Nordiques bench were heard saying:

- "Ha, McCabe is useless!" (K. Park)
- "He can't finish!" (K. Park)
- "Watch this, he's going way to fast and he is going to fall head first into the boards!" (K. Park)
- "Look at that ASS! It's like a gift from the Gods" (Sean Casavant)
- "I could really use a manicure right now" (Tao Smith)

McCabe, made a great move near the hash marks, faking a shot, leaning to the near post and then cutting back to his forehand. Turner was planted and all he could do was dive across the net but McCabe just out-waited him and had PLENTY of twine to shoot at.

END OF THE FIRST: Brewers 2, Nordiques -2
SAVES: Bartline(BRW) 10, Turner(NDQ) 11

The Brewers continued to pound the Nordiques in the second and Bayley got his second of the night just over a minute in, again assisted by Isaac with a helper going to Joey Lyle. The Nordiques finally got on the board 42 seconds later when Marshy found Park entering the zone, Park fired a fluttering slapshot to the far post that Bartline kicked right back to Marsh at the far face off dot. Marsh quickly hit Tao Smith in the slot, who fired a wrister 5-HOLIO on the big goofy nerd........maybe we'll call him Big Bird. The Brewers bounced back when Joey Lyle took a pass from Mike "FIre Hydrant" Hickey, and made an end to end rush, headed behind the Nords net, but made a power move back to the front at the last second. Lyle then chipped the puck up and off the back of Turner's leg and in.

"THE FONZ" Sorrentino made it 5-1 with 1:18 to go assisted by Bayley & McCabe, which eventually sent Turner into a deep depression and incoherent babbling. Bayley added his 3rd of the night to the 5-1 lead while on the power play. Petey Bartline, the netminder, made a great pass half the ice up to Bayley who walked in, 2 on 1, on McChunko & Park. Bayley faked outside, and then SURPRISE SURPRISE, cut back to the high slot on McDiesel before firing a shot back across the grain along the ice and inside the far post. That goal came with only 7 seconds to go in the second and made Park & McRetard look like........retards.

END OF THE SECOND: Brewers 6, Nordiques 1
SAVES: Bartline(BRW) 10, Turner(NDQ) 9

Despite the fact that there was only one goal in the 3rd period and being up 6-1, the Brewers were still trying their hardest to score goals, shooting high like a bunch of point hungry ass-clowns with guys in front of the net, playing the body & digging hard. The only goal of the period was scored by Bayley with 2:53 to go as he picked up a turnover in the neutral zone, walked down the far boards and beat Turner with a quick snapper inside the post that sent Turner toppling over in an awkward heap of crumpled goalie gear.

END OF REGULATION: Brewers 7, Nordiques 1
SAVES: Bartline(BRW) 3, Turner(NDQ) 6

 

Team:	Time:	Type:	Player:	Details:
1st PERIOD
BRE	05:15	Goal	Bayley, Nick(17)	Assist(s): Isaac, Christian(9)
BRE	04:16	Goal	McCabe, Sean(4)	Assist(s): Walsh, Brian(6)
BRE	01:43	Penalty	Isaac, Christian(3)	2 minutes for Body Checking
2nd PERIOD
BRE	13:52	Goal	Bayley, Nick(18)	Assist(s): Isaac, Christian(10) Lyle, Joe(2)
NDQ	13:10	Goal	Smith, Tao(5)	Assist(s): Marsh, Greg(6) Park, Kelly(1)
BRE	10:26	Goal	Lyle, Joe(2)	Assist(s): Hickey, Michael(2)
BRE	01:10	Goal	Sorrentino, Alfonse(1)	Assist(s): Bayley, Nick(11) McCabe, Sean(6)
NDQ	00:24	Penalty	Johnson, Kirt(3)	2 minutes for Rughing
BRE	00:07	Goal	Bayley, Nick(19)	Assist(s): Bartline, Peter(1)
3rd PERIOD
BRE	11:08	Penalty	Isaac, Christian(4)	2 minutes for Hooking
BRE	02:53	Goal	Bayley, Nick(20)	Assist(s): none
NDQ	01:10	Penalty	Casavant, Sean(5)	2 minutes for Holding

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Game Comments:
hkydoc WRJ, VT Registered: Jan 2004 Posts: 517	I'm RETAAAAAAAHHHDED, not retarded, eh. Apr 23rd, 2008 03:02 PM Isn't it supposed to be RETAAAAAHHDED with a Boston accent when you are giving a compliment? It is? That is what I thought... So then why did Park say retarded instead? Oh, it wasn't a compliment, was it? I get it now! Ha ha, ho ho, hee hee. Nice one, Park! Better luck next spring, NorLeafs...