UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Tuck looks to sweep season series against Lumberjacks

After an absolutely torid start to the season, the Mighty Tuck Turduckens have fallen from grace...losing 3 in a row.  They haven't looked the same since hosting their annual Business School tournament last month.   With losses to the Mustangs(4-3), Gamblers(5-2) & Whalers(7-2), they are looking for redemption against an inconsistent Lumberjacks squad.

The Lumberjacks inconsistent season saw them lose 3 in a row before putting together a solid 6-4 win last week against the Mustangs.  Their fearless leader, Jay "The Zamboni" Zanleoni, returned after a couple weeks off to score two first period goals to jump start his team.  No Zanleoni in this one and rumor has it they will again be "light".

Tuck's roster has been inconsistent the past month and tonight may be their first game withtheir "Big 4" together.  Aidan "Rocky" Balboni(30pts), Luke "The Nuke" Stickel(29pts), Jon "The Sheik" Carkeek(27pts) & defenseman Seamus "The Irish Assassin" O'Neil(11pts in 7gp) should all be on the ice tonight.  Throw in defensive gem Mikey "It's Long" Yablong(14pts) & Ryan "Butch" Cassidy(8pts in 5pg) and you have an extremely potent offense.

You can't count out the Lumberjacks with Jordy "Over Forty" McGee(22pts) who keeps putting up points in his advanced age.  McGee is complemented by Neil "The Real Deal" MacKenzie(14pts) & Nick "The Stick" Hall(0 PIMs, 0 Stops & Starts, 324 offensive zone turnovers). 

Goaltending will be extremely important in this one as both Ryan "The Liberator" Libbey(.801 save %) and Matthew Betten(.823 save %) sit at the bottom of the league.  In Libbey's defense...he hasn't had much(defense).  If the Lumberjacks want to be successful, they will need to take care of their own end first.

Vegas thinks that Tuck rebounds with a 7-4 win.

Tuck Goes To Town on the Jacks.

There were no fans in the stands for the late game on this Valentine’s Day 2024. I honestly don’t blame them. It was cold and windy, and if you didn’t love hockey so much, I could understand staying warm and cozy at home under the blankets with your honey. This game was a 9 vs. 9 contest and there was plenty of ice time to go around.

In the 1st, Mikey “It’s Long” Yablong made a nice play standing his ground at the blue line on Dillon Pierce who was leaving the ‘Jacks zone about 30 seconds into the game. Tuck generated 2 shots in a row at 13:30. The ‘Jacks got their first chance in front at about 12:10 and Betten had to make a good save on Lumberjacks captain Jay Zaneloni. Andrew “Pinball” Kimbell went 5-holio at 10:54 to start the scoring unassisted to put the ‘Jacks up 1-0 on their 2nd SOG from a distance along the ice beating Betten in Tuck’s net. Pierce missed an open net in front off of a sweet pass from “Fresh” Ryan Frisch. One job… Jack “Always Horny” Torney was up front for Tuck tonight wearing a shitty black jersey with the same number as teammate Luke Stickel. You couldn’t find another fucking black jersey with a different number, Torney? Apparently, his Mommy was doing his laundry and it wasn’t ready in time for the game. Regardless of the wardrobe error, Torney tied it up at 6:39 putting in his own rebound fed by Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill. Ray “Hockey Whore” Nolan was subbing in on the Lumberjacks again tonight, and he probably would have subbed in for the Mustangs tonight, too, if the Gamblers weren’t playing against them in the early game. The ‘Jacks made a great long pass up to Jordan McGee at the blue line for a breakaway stopped by Betten’s glove. Aidan “Rocky” Balboni went in 1-on-3 for a good shot on net. The Un-tuckin’-believable line was back together tonight creating chances and Balboni hit the post past Libbey. Shots ended 14-4 for Tuck at the conclusion of the first.

In the 2nd, Tuck struck early at 14:32 as Balboni continued his strong play scoring from O’Neill and Carkeek to take the lead. Only 37 seconds later it was Carkeek from Yablong at 13:55. Nice passes were made by all 3 forwards on Tuck’s 4th goal at 12:15 by Matt “Pinot Grigio” Ouelette from Luke “Stickel With The Pointy End” and Kyle Saidnawey. Torney should have had it, but instead it was Ouelette with the puck retrieval and the goal. Torney demonstrated all night that he had the hands of a defenseman. Betten was without a stick for almost a full shift in Tuck’s net, but the Tuckies got the puck out. Saidnawey “said no way!” to the penalty and went to the box at 11:00 for a bodycheck, and just 10 seconds into the PK the Tuckies got a shorty from Carkeek assisted by Stickel. I don’t recall anything other than that from the Lumberjacks’ PP, so that just about sums it up. Ouelette scored again from Carkeek at 6:36. Libbey made a nice save on Balboni at 5:30. Tuck scored two quick goals to end the period. I was still writing the first one down when the second found the back of the net, so I apologize that I don’t have any details. At 1:18 it was Balboni from Carkeek and Stickel, and at 1:05 it was Torney unassisted. This was actually a game in the 1st period, but Tuck’s 7-goal onslaught in the 2nd ended any notions of a tie or a win for the Lumberjacks. Shots ended 32-10 for Tuck. Yes, that’s right… 32 to 10. Is that a new UVHL low for 2 periods?

In the 3rd, Carkeek made a nice backhand pass to Balboni for a grade-A scoring chance turned away by Libbey. Charlie Plottner got a good shot off on a 1-on-1 for the Lumberjacks. Ryan “Pretty Feet” Cassidy scored at 10:59 from Stickel and O’Neill. Kimbell made a nice backcheck on Torney’s partial breakaway to take away the scoring chance. Andrew Miraldi got called for interference at 6:47 and Tuck went 6-on-4 briefly but didn’t capitalize on the PP. Zaneloni made a nice forecheck on Yablong to take possession not giving up regardless of the scoreboard deficit. Tuck was consciously making extra passes in the O-zone making sure to be respectful and not run up the score. Pierce had a partial breakaway down the R side and… missed the net… again… “Fresch” Ryan Frisch made an absolute SNIPE into the top corner past Betten at 2:32! Carkeek had sweet hands, dekes, passes and puck possession all night and was visibly the best player in the game. The score finished 9-2, shots a possible all-time low 42-14, but there was still great sportsmanship and the great tradition of the post-game hockey handshake line continued.

MVP: Jonathan “Super Dad” Carkeek was clearly the best player in the game and had 2G, 3A for top honors. Seamus “The Dreamus” O’Neill had 3A from the back end, and Carkeek’s Un-tuckin’-believable linemate Luke “Stickel With The Pointy End” also had 3A so take your pick between those two for the second spot.

LVP: Nobody sucked or cost their team the game… BUT… a possible UVHL all-time low for shots on goal for the Lumberjacks was pretty fuckin’ sad and can’t be ignored.

POST-GAME:
Five hard core Tuckies made it out to “Club Bee’s” on this Valentine’s Day night. In fact, the place was packed! Lexi was running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying her best to take care of everyone while short staffed (what else is new in the Upper Valley?). The requisite amount of food and beverages were ordered and the post-game tradition continued with a toast to fuckin’ hockey! The Tuckies were happy to end the losing streak and spirits were high. I learned that Balboni was at the hospital getting stitches on his ear. I didn’t see the shot, or notice that Balboni left the game early. Carkeek took a hard shot on net that was deflected over top that hit Balboni in the ear requiring stitches. We all hope its just a flesh wound that will be a good story he can embellish for his kids and grandkids someday. “I took a left, den a right, den an uppercut to da jaw… but you shoulda seen dat guy when I was finished wit him…” in an old town Italian accent. Apparently, he did have ear guards on his helmet and it could have been much worse. Isn’t that cool how we categorize and diminish injuries like that? For fuck’s sake, Carkeek… you coulda taken his ear clean off with that monster shot of yours! Just kidding… He’s a hockey player and I’m sure “Rocky” Balboni will be back next week in the last regular season tilt before the playoffs. We never like to see players get hurt though even though its just a matter of time for all of us. Torney was saying how he was half paying attention in class one Monday reading the UVHL game write-ups in class. That’s the ultimate compliment, Jack… thank you. Ouelette asked if I could make them a little less “raunchy” to which I replied “Fuck no!”. This is art. Leave me to my process. Apparently, they all need to get jobs someday. Listen, Mr. Future One Percenter, your happiness is up to YOU, okay? I’m living my own happiness right now writing about the league that I love. Is it my fault that the Internet happened and that every mention of one’s mere name is forever etched in stone for all to see? Noooooo… But I jest. I get it, Pinot Grigio. You’ll definitely be one of the good one-percenters, eh. I would never want to jeopardize anyone’s present or future from my synopsis and commentary about a silly hockey league that a player spends but a blip of their life in. This is a whole new world and set of considerations compared to when I was your age. Admittedly, one week there was something I didn’t take into account and learned a good lesson about what can and should be posted about a player’s post-game “activities and hobbies”. It was edited by the ever-omnipresent Kelly Park, and that was that. We move on, lesson learned. Even though it was absolutely brilliant and fucking FUNNY! Here’s what I think… the originals should get emailed to everyone currently playing in the league, or to whomever wants them, and the edited version should get posted. Boom. Done. Don’t like it, don’t read it… kinda like Trump. Ignore the bullshit. If you like it, great, and I’ve done my job and we’re on to next week. Truly, I love this league, hockey, the players, the post-game tradition and the opportunity to have a hockey night as a retired player. There are STILL some old farts playing in the league that I played with back in 2014. Enjoy it while you can, boys and girls!

The post-game stuff definitely gives me more material to write about. That being said, I feel bad there isn’t more to say about other teams and players who are involved with the league. I just can’t write and report on stuff I just don’t know. I do hope that after the playoffs we will see more of the Lumberjacks and Mustangs post-game. Actually, I hope we see them for the first time. Part of this is to hang out with your leaguemates, too. We are soooo lucky to be able to do this and the full experience is worth it. I get how some players just don’t have the extra time to go out after the games. We all have lives to get back to. I’m a hedonist and just love hockey and hockey culture so much I want everyone in the league to enjoy it. 

A couple of weeks ago I was going through goalies that were also great forwards. It must have been some reverse recency bias, but I totally forgot to mention Alex Dodds in that conversation. Alex is a really solid goalie, and he is a NASTY forward, too. Sorry I neglected to mention you in the conversation, buddy. Keep stopping pucks and scoring goals in the Tues-Thurs Morning Group at Campion! I appreciate you mentioning that you missed McDefense out there, eh.

P.S. Is your power play fuckable? (see first write-up)

Respectfully submitted,

McDefense, aka HKYDOC