UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

ODDS:	Nordiques by 3
OVER/UNDER:	10 goals

This is a tough one to call. The Brewers(3-1-0) had a rough loss to the Whalers last week while the Nordiques(4-0-0) weren't great against the Storm Kings in their 7-5 win. Both teams are solid in all 3 areas, goaltending, defense & offense, but it may all come down to the netminders. Johnny "Temper Tantrum" Turner has been spectacular and should continue this evening, but Pete "The Meat" Bartline is a rollercoaster who can be an absolute wall if he shows up with the right mindset.

The Brewers can capitalize by pushing down Kelly "The Mouth" Park's side on defense, turning him like a hooker turns tricks in Rut-Vegas. The Nords can skate past the Brewer's big boned Danny "Chubby Hubby" Charette on defense, because rumor has it Charette hasn't been exercising has he has been putting all of his focus on developing his own flavor of ice cream, Bacon Burger & Fries. The Brewers have found a gem on defense as Garren "Porto Potty" Poirier has the reach of Mr. Stretch Armstrong & Seany "McGriddle" McCabe is flawless in his own end........I repeat in his own end, but let him skate the puck out and he turns into a giant self doubting bag of insecurity.

The Nords should take this one 6-3.

Brew Crew Ends Nordiques Bid for Perfection with a 5-4 Shootout Win

The top two teams battled it out in the late game on Tuesday night. The Nordiques(4-0-0) were trying to maintain a perfect record against a SOLID Brewers squad(3-1-0), but the Nordiques, or NorDINKS as one unnamed Brewers player( Dan Charette), put it, were not prepared for the task at hand. The Brewers came to the rink, liqoured up on adrenaline & some pre-game locker room man-love. With the 2 month departure of their top scoring tandem, Nick Bayley & Christian Isaac, to Provincetown Mass, the Brewers have relied heavily on their solid defense and their new talent. "Fetching" Bill Fletcher is leading the way with 14 points in his first 4 games in the big leagues, while "Bland" Brian Smith(2-5-7 in 4GP) & "Busty" Brock Barton(4-3-7 in 4GP) haven't hurt the lineup that already consists of the best Wind Energy man in the Rut-Vegas area "Scrawny" Seany McCabe, Dan "Super Chunk" Charette, "Jumbalaya" Joey Lyle, Chris "Turtle Dove" Johnson & everyone's FAVORITE stick figure Garren "Stretch" Poirier.

The Nordiques have had their best start in Franchise history, rolling through their first 4 games. They were coming off a poor 7-5 win over the Storm Kings, who only had 7 skaters and were looking to clean up their own end. The Nords have also been helped by some off-season moves as they picked up the McGee Brothers, Danny "Jumpin' " Jodice & Andy "Sputnik" Puchilak. Add that youth to the stellar veteran leadership of Ian "That Stupid Canadiens Fan" Coates, Roger "The Dentist Drill" Phillips, Greg "The Tofu Butcher of Guelph" Marsh, Shawn "Dr. McFatso" McDermott & Kelly "The Ankle Bending Loud Mouthed Semi-Retarded Web Nerd" Park.

This was actually a great game to watch, down to the last minute of regulation. The Nordiques jumped out with some aggressive play in the first couple of minutes only to be turned down by Petey "The Net Condom" Bartline. Barty shut the door EARLY on a point blank shot from that ankle Bender Park in the first minute of play. Things went down hill for the Nords after that, as the Brewer's new Long Trail / Red Bull concoction kicked in. They jumped all over the Nordiques and peppering Johnny "Temper Tantrum" Turner with 17 shots & 2 goals in the first, to 9 and 1 for the Nordiques. Billy Fletcher notted the first goal of the game at 9:22 when he burst down the near boards and fired a slap shot that knuckled on Turner. Turner made some sort of half assed blocker save that bounced up and over his head, dropping in the crease and rolling into the net. NICE ONE JT!!!!!! The Butcher From Guelph(Marsh) tied the game up with 5:58 as he took a pass from Coates, barreled down the near side boards and let a quick slapshot rip off of a terrified Bartline and into the net. The Brewers jumped ahead with 2:08 to go when Joey Lyle RIPPED a slapshot past Turner from the far boards.

END OF THE FIRST: Brewers 2, Nordiques 1
SAVES: Bartline(BRE) 8, Turner(NDQ) 15

The Brewers tore apart the Nordiques from the puck drop in the second period. Forcing turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover after turnover. Sorry, I get paid per word. Garren "The Lanky Lurker" put the Brewers up by two at 13:03, after turning the two Nordique rookies (Puchilak & McGee), as he cut across the zone, then cut across the low slot all alone, pulling Turner into a two pad stack before out-waiting him and throwing the puck upstairs into the open netting. Jason Yehle added the other goal of the period with 5:11 to play from Smith & Poirier with 5:11 to go in the 2nd. That goal completely deflated the Nordiques and should have been the nail in the coffin.

END OF THE SECOND: Brewers 4, Nordiques 1

In-between periods some things were said on the Nordiques bench. Captain Tao "Buddha" Smith told a touching story about a kitten & a meat grinder. He then recited the national anthem and recited his favorite poem about roses & butterflies. This fired the team up so much that they actually banned together, tied up Smith and threw him in the shower. This may have been some sort of Herb Brooks mind game, but I just think it was Tao being Tao. Regardless of the event, the Nordques came out to play, They were fired up and lifted the play of the game & the physicality which ended up in 14 combined penalty minutes in the period. I'm not quite sure if the Brewers packed it in, with a 3 goal lead in the 3rd, or if the Nordiques lifted their play that much, but they controlled the 3rd period. Bartline stood on his head turning away multiple scoring chances before Ian "The Coat" Coates found Mikey "Pinacolada" O'Neil in front all alone with 6:29 to go, and Bartline didn't have a chance. Andy "FNG" Puchalik (F*cking New Guy) brought the Nords within one goal as he busted down the far boards and fired a wrister at the net, bouncing off of a Fat Boy Danny Charette's knee pad and into the net with only 34 seconds to play. The Nordiques quickly called a timeout for some "STRATEGERY". The Brewers also took time to recover, but Charette quickly fell into cardiac arrest, taking away all chances of "strategery". Petey Bartline also used his 60 seconds to call his boyfriend about their dinner plans.

The Nordiques immediately pulled their netminder and The Coat won the puck back to Kelly "The Ankle Bender" Park. Park quickly moved the puck back to Coates on the near boards where he was met by 7 Brewers players. Coatesy somehow jammed the puck to Park streaking up center ice. The Brewer's resident photographer / broom Garren Poirier immediately went to Park, who in turn dropped the puck perfectly along the blue line for Greg "The Butcher" Marsh who was traveling from the near boards traffic to the far boards. At this time, McDermott actually put down his big gulp and plate of wings to watch the play. Marsh walked into the zone all by himself and fired a nasty snap shot a foot off the ice and under the glove side of a now urine soaked Bartline to tie the game with only 3 seconds to go.

END OF REGULATION: Brewers 4, Nordiques 4
SAVES: Bartline(BRE) 28, Turner(NDQ) 35

So it went to a shootout. The Brewers chose to go second, so the Nord's chose Mikey "The Ego" O'Neil to shoot first. O'Neil 'ALWAYS SCORES IN THE SHOOTOUT", and was an obvious choice in his own mind. After quite a bit of discussion about the plan of attack and how awful the ice was, O'Neil still decided to try to pull a couple of moves which ended up in an embarrassing skate back to the bench after he couldn't get his head out of his ass and Bartline aggressively charged him, knocking the puck off his stick in the slot. The Brewers sent Billy Fletcher, but Turner turned him away like a nerd at a nightclub. The Nords retorted with Jordan McGee, but his shot flew wide glove missing the net by a good 10 inches. Brock Barton made a quick move to his backhand on Turner and threw his arms up in disgust after Turner made the pad stop. But little did he know the puck took a funny bounce up and over for the eventual WINNING GOAL. The Nordiques put all their hopes on The Dentist of Norwich, Roger Phillips but their dreams of a perfect season were dashed with a glove save from Bartline.

BREWERS WIN THE SHOOTOUT 1-0

 

Team:	Time:	Type:	Player:	Details:
1st PERIOD
BRE	10:43	Penalty	Poirier, Garren(2)	2 minutes for Hooking
BRE	09:22	Goal	Fletcher, Bill(11)	Assist(s): Lyle, Joe(6)
NDQ	05:58	Goal	Marsh, Greg(6)	Assist(s): Coates, Ian(7)
BRE	02:08	Goal	Lyle, Joe(3)	Assist(s): Fletcher, Bill(5) McCabe, Sean(2)
2nd PERIOD
BRE	13:03	Goal	Poirier, Garren(2)	Assist(s): Smith, Brian(6) Johnson, Chris(2)
NDQ	09:06	Penalty	Marsh, Greg(1)	2 minutes for Unsportsmanlike Conduct
BRE	05:11	Goal	Yehle, Jason(1)	Assist(s): Smith, Brian(7) Poirier, Garren(3)
NDQ	01:54	Penalty	Phillips, Roger(1)	2 minutes for Slashing
3rd PERIOD
BRE	13:27	Penalty	Poirier, Garren(3)	2 minutes for Holding
BRE	12:57	Penalty	Barton, Brock(1)	2 minutes for Roughing
NDQ	12:57	Penalty	Smith, Tao(1)	2 minutes for Holding
NDQ	11:27	Penalty	Phillips, Roger(2)	2 minutes for Hooking
BRE	09:47	Penalty	Lyle, Joe(2)	2 minutes for Tripping
NDQ	06:29	Goal	O'Neil, Michael(4)	Assist(s): Coates, Ian(8)
BRE	05:39	Penalty	Barton, Brock(2)	2 minutes for Holding
NDQ	05:39	Penalty	McGee, Jordan(2)	2 minutes for Holding
NDQ	00:34	Goal	Puchalik, Andrew(1)	Assist(s): Smith, Tao(3)
NDQ	00:03	Goal	Marsh, Greg(7)	Assist(s): Park, Kelly(7) Coates, Ian(9)
SHOOTOUT
NDQ	1	O'Neil, Michael		SAVE BY Peter Bartline
BRE	2	Fletcher, Bill		SAVE BY John Turner
NDQ	3	McGee, John		SAVE BY Peter Bartline
BRE	4	Barton, Brock		GOAL Scored on John Turner
NDQ	5	Phillips, Roger		SAVE BY Peter Bartline

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Game Comments:
kpark Quechee, VT Registered: Dec 2003 Posts: 723	How 'Bout Dem NORDS! Nov 10th, 2008 04:48 PM My first order of business is to make Bartline look like a giant sack of stones by putting a knuckler past his glove. I'm then going to make Charette regret eating the 3rd & 4th gallon of Chubby Hubby ice cream drizzled in bacon fat before the game by turning him inside out. My next goal will be to make Garren Poirier cry, but that shouldn't be too hard. These aren't really lofty goals, but at least I have goals. KP
MASSHOLE , MA Registered: Posts: 12	Knocken down Bitches and Whores Nov 11th, 2008 02:17 PM I cannot wait to shut down the Nor-DINKS. Starting with that loudmouth SKANK WHORE, KELLY I AM PUSSY PARK. When my 230lbs chizzled Ben n Jerrys frame drills him into the boards (then he starts bleeding out of his pussy) and then I school McNugget McD (McNuggets fly every where) and shelf it on JT(stands there like a cone) for the game winning goal. It will be a sweet victory for the Brewers. GAME on WHOOORES!
vtdownhiller , AL Registered: Posts: 67	That's Right Nov 11th, 2008 02:41 PM I think Masshole speaks for his team
kpark Quechee, VT Registered: Dec 2003 Posts: 723	Tough words from....... Nov 11th, 2008 03:24 PM Wow, that was harsh, especially coming from the stay puff marshmallow man. How's the recipe for the Hamburger & Fries flavored ice cream coming along? OH, and 230 lbs? You meant 330 lbs right? You are starting to look like King Kong BUNDY out there on the ice. In conclusion, I am going to first going to shut down Johnson all night, not like that is hard, but anyways it will be done. Then I am going to skate 4 circles around Super Chunk before wheelin' and dealin' on Bartline. I will harass him as I'm coming down on the breakaway to the point where he falls into the fetal position weeping like the 3 year old that he is stuck in that giant body of his, before firing the puck upstairs into the empty net. I will then treat Charette to a gallon of ice cream..........so that he doesn't eat me. KP
hkydoc WRJ, VT Registered: Jan 2004 Posts: 517	I fucking love it! Nov 11th, 2008 03:42 PM Wings, I mean... I like hockey, too. Especially when the pre-game banter gets Kelly's thong in a knot. If the Brewers keep him off his game (i.e. don't engage him) then he just might get even LOUDER! Funny, funny shit, guys. I liked the McNugget comment, Masshole! You have excellent goals, Park! Set the bar high for the Nordiques to go 5-0 and run the gauntlet to start the season!
kpark Quechee, VT Registered: Dec 2003 Posts: 723	FUN FUN FUN Nov 12th, 2008 12:16 AM I just want to say that was a fun game tonight. Heartbreaker for both teams, the Brewers had a 4-1 lead in the third and the Nords lost in the shootout. Bartline & Turner were awesome. It was just a good, fast paced, clean yet physical game. KP
hkydoc WRJ, VT Registered: Jan 2004 Posts: 517	Great job so far, Park! Nov 18th, 2008 03:01 PM I'm looking forward to the BELATED conclusion of this excellent write-up!
kpark Quechee, VT Registered: Dec 2003 Posts: 723	SHIIIIIIIIIIIT Nov 18th, 2008 03:24 PM I really thought I had finished the write for this. I'm on it!